tgp (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} tgp) wrote,@ 2009-07-07 04:19:00 |
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Damaged
Title: Damaged
Word Count: 2,000 (10 drabbles, 200 words)
Rating: R
Pairing: SS/RL, TS/SS
Content: Angst, Non-Com, Death, Incest
Summary: He closes his eyes when he feels Remus’ lips against his forehead. He lets himself believe as Remus tells him it will be all right soon.
1.
‘I’m not damaged goods,’ Severus thinks to himself as his body jolts with pain and fights against the bigger hands holding him down. He screams and cries because he’s not strong enough not to. It hurts, but it’s all distant, as if he’s watching it happen to another boy with another tormentor. It’s the only way he can deal with it. The only way it makes sense.
‘I’m not damaged goods,’ he thinks afterward, when he’s bleeding and can’t move because every shift sends ripping pain down his spine. He doesn’t really believe it, but he tells himself that anyway. He wants to believe it so very badly. He wants to believe that the blood and tears don’t mark him for what he really is. Weak. Cowardly. Worthless.
‘I’m not damaged goods,’ he thinks as he cries uselessly into his grubby hands. It hurts too much to curl up, to move, but he still buries his face in his hands and sobs as if he’s broken. And he is, really. Broken and damaged. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it. His father has left him this way.
‘I’m not damaged goods,’ he thinks but he can’t believe in it.
2.
Severus is fifteen. He celebrates his birthday quietly, as always. He thinks this is normal but he’s happy to hold the birthday card his mother sent him. It’s held tight in his hands and he’s lovingly brushed his fingers over it for hours now. It’s Saturday and Astronomy Tower is quiet. He likes to think it’s quiet and still all for him. A birthday present. Sitting at one of the long, floor to ceiling windows, Severus stares out onto the grounds. A bunch of boys are running about, playing some sort of game that has them tackling one another all over the place.
His eyes are drawn to another watcher. Remus Lupin sits with a few girls, watching and laughing with one another. Severus can’t help staring at that laughing face. Remus is beautiful and alive and so very perfect. If he didn’t know he was in love with Lily Evans, Severus might think he loved Remus. Or maybe he did. Severus tried not to lie to himself like that. He watched, because that was how he kept days pleasant and Black-less. He watched and thought to himself, ‘Thank you, Remus Lupin. Your smile is a very nice birthday present.’
3.
There are four days of bliss after his birthday. And then his mother is dead. Severus doesn’t cry. He feels hollow inside and wonders how he could ever not be hollow. He thinks he might be broken. He hears old fears and feels old loneliness. He’s alone.
The nature of secrets being what they are, the entire school knows within hours. Severus runs. He doesn’t know where to go, but he runs anyway. He runs until his lungs are screaming and he can barely feel his body. He runs until he’s taken into strong arms that don’t let him go.
Severus cries. He cries long and hard into the warmth of that embrace. He sags under the touch of fingers petting his hair and a strong arm around his waist. He cries from deep inside until it hurts and he’s left gulping breath as a soft voice tries to calm him.
When he comes to himself, Severus realizes that Remus Lupin is holding him. He’s too tired to care. So he lets it happen. He closes his eyes when he feels Remus’ lips against his forehead. He lets himself believe as Remus tells him it will be all right soon.
4.
Severus thinks he might love Remus. He knows Remus doesn’t, but he thinks he might. It’s painful but Severus is used to pain. He’s not afraid of it. Not like he’s afraid of his own feelings, anyway.
He’s confused. He doesn’t understand how he can love Remus when he loves Lily and the one thing he’s never doubted is his love for Lily. He supposes that he’s just that bent. It’s one more thing for his father to hate about him. One more thing he got wrong.
It feels wrong, twists him up inside when Remus touches him in the boy’s bathroom or when they sneak out at night and Remus has left his friends behind. Severus loves knowing Remus has done this. Has chosen him over them, even if just for a little while. He loves believing he’s important. Even a little.
Severus knows this won’t last. Remus hasn’t named it. Claimed it. Severus is afraid to. But he can let it continue. If that’s what it will take to keep Remus’ hands on him, he’ll let it continue this way. He’s terrified Remus will come to his senses. Severus doesn’t know what he’ll do if Remus ever does.
5.
The blood on his tongue is so familiar it hurts. Severus swallows because he can’t muster the will to turn his head and spit it out. He thinks he could probably choke on blood right now and then thinks about letting himself. It hurts more than he remembers.
His father is angry. He’s bitter and drunk and keeps yelling things that don’t make sense. Severus wonders if he ever made sense before. He doubts it, especially when Tobias grabs him again and everything starts all over.
“You look like her,” Tobias growls in a drunken slur. Severus can feel his breath against the back of his neck and then there’s pain again and he sobs. He can’t muster the breath to scream. Tobias pulls his hair and his chipped nails dig into his skin. Severus cries and bucks and begs but it isn’t over until Tobias has his fill. And then Severus lies in a shivering heap as his father limps away.
It hurts more than he remembers. He tells himself it’s all right. He remembers Remus and then Severus hates himself more than ever. He wonders how anyone can stand to look at him. He really is damaged goods.
6.
In hindsight, it shouldn’t surprise him. Severus sits in the headmaster’s office, staring at his hands. The blanket around his shoulders is warm and soft but he barely notices it. He’s in shock, he knows. All sweaty and not thinking. He has blood on his shirt. It’s his own.
Dumbledore keeps talking but Severus hasn’t heard a word about it. Black is red faced and tried to fight earlier but that was ended quickly. Potter looks like a sheet. He keeps looking at Severus as if to make sure he’s really there. Severus isn’t sure he is.
At some point in all this, Severus realizes that Remus is the snarling beast he’s just seen. He doesn’t want to believe it, but he knows it’s true. Severus tries not to lie to himself. His boyfr- Remus is a werewolf. It isn’t funny but suddenly, Severus is laughing. He hears things go silent, but by then his face is buried in his hands and he’s laughing too hard to breath.
When he looks up, Black and Potter are gone. Dumbledore looks very old. He tells Severus to go rest. Severus makes it to the door before he passes out into sweet oblivion.
7.
Remus doesn’t look at him anymore. He doesn’t go out a night and meet him. He doesn’t ignore his friends for a snog in a dark hallway. Severus didn’t know it would hurt like this. He isn’t really angry until he realizes Remus has no intention of coming back to him. Of explaining. Of fixing this. He thinks he probably meant very little to Remus after all.
So Severus fights. He yells at Dumbledore. He tries to get the whole lot of them expelled. He blames Remus for attacking him. He yells and rages and fights because he knows if he stops fighting, he’ll have to deal with how much this hurts.
And it does hurt. Not just Remus. It hurts when all Dumbledore does is give them detentions. It hurts when Dumbledore makes him swear to keep secrets. It hurts when Dumbledore doesn’t ask him if he’s all right. Because he’s not all right and he doesn’t know if he ever will be.
Severus wants to hurt them back. He plots and schemes and then Rosier tells him about someone who makes pain go away. Someone who will make him whole. Severus follows him and meets the Dark Lord.
8.
It takes a long time for the rage to leave him. Severus is old, then. Old in his mind at least. He never thought he’d live this long. He’s seen the rise and fall of a Dark Lord. He’s seen men fight and die and break. He’s been accused, imprisoned, and released. He’s seen a boy-savior risk is bloody neck too many times to count and be too stupid to thank those keeping that neck attached at both ends. When the rage leaves, it’s because he’s too tired to keep it and the lack leaves him empty inside. He has nothing else.
A boy rests shivering against him. In a day or so, Severus will give him over to the Death Eaters. He’s secured the boy’s life. He’s killed Albus Dumbledore. Severus doesn’t know how to feel. He keeps his arm around Draco’s shoulders. The boy stopped crying hours ago but he hasn’t stopped shaking. Severus doesn’t blame him.
He wishes he could be shaking, too. But he can’t. Severus knows that Draco must believe the farce. Draco must think he’s heartless, even if Severus lets him take comfort from him. He wishes he could cry. Just a little bit.
9.
There is smoke and blood and screaming. Severus can barely see. Spells whirl past him and a few have clipped him. Blood leaks from his throat and he keeps stumbling as if he’s drunk. He doesn’t quite know how he got away from Voldemort and Nagini or how he’s managed to survive this long. He knows, somewhere, Potter is doing what he must and the war will be over soon, one way or another.
He doesn’t give a damn about that. Instead, Severus searches. He kills men he’s known for years. He does his level best to keep friends from killing him without knowing he’s not their enemy. Everything hurts but Severus isn’t about to give up.
And then he finds what he’s looking for. Remus is hurt. He isn’t moving. Severus thinks for a moment that he’s too late, but then he finds Remus’ pulse. He almost cries. Instead, he uses what little strength he still has to haul Remus’ body out from under a half collapsed wall. Something hits him in the side and Severus snarls as hot, fresh blood soaks into his robes. He doesn’t care.
Severus gets Remus into an untouched classroom and keeps him alive.
10.
Severus ends up in Azkaban. It’s not as bad without the dementors but the silence of his isolation room is deafening. He scratches a new line in the stone wall each day to remind himself he’s alive and this is real. He doesn’t know how he survived.
Time is marked by how quickly bandages are removed from his body. His skin isn’t fully clear of bruises. The marks on his neck are angry red and he’s still got stitches here and there for a long time. They gave him as little care as they could. After all, he killed Albus Dumbledore. They’re happy to have caught his killer. Severus is just happy that the Dark Lord is dead. He could care less what happens to him.
It’s been two months by the marks on the wall when someone fetches him from the cell. He doesn’t understand but he doesn’t ask. They shove a bundle of things into his hands and demand he change. He does so without question. Then they lead him into a long hallway and thrust him out into sunlight and the presence of Remus Lupin. Severus doesn’t fight when Remus takes his hand and leads him away.
Title: Damaged
Word Count: 2,000 (10 drabbles, 200 words)
Rating: R
Pairing: SS/RL, TS/SS
Content: Angst, Non-Com, Death, Incest
Summary: He closes his eyes when he feels Remus’ lips against his forehead. He lets himself believe as Remus tells him it will be all right soon.
1.
‘I’m not damaged goods,’ Severus thinks to himself as his body jolts with pain and fights against the bigger hands holding him down. He screams and cries because he’s not strong enough not to. It hurts, but it’s all distant, as if he’s watching it happen to another boy with another tormentor. It’s the only way he can deal with it. The only way it makes sense.
‘I’m not damaged goods,’ he thinks afterward, when he’s bleeding and can’t move because every shift sends ripping pain down his spine. He doesn’t really believe it, but he tells himself that anyway. He wants to believe it so very badly. He wants to believe that the blood and tears don’t mark him for what he really is. Weak. Cowardly. Worthless.
‘I’m not damaged goods,’ he thinks as he cries uselessly into his grubby hands. It hurts too much to curl up, to move, but he still buries his face in his hands and sobs as if he’s broken. And he is, really. Broken and damaged. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it. His father has left him this way.
‘I’m not damaged goods,’ he thinks but he can’t believe in it.
2.
Severus is fifteen. He celebrates his birthday quietly, as always. He thinks this is normal but he’s happy to hold the birthday card his mother sent him. It’s held tight in his hands and he’s lovingly brushed his fingers over it for hours now. It’s Saturday and Astronomy Tower is quiet. He likes to think it’s quiet and still all for him. A birthday present. Sitting at one of the long, floor to ceiling windows, Severus stares out onto the grounds. A bunch of boys are running about, playing some sort of game that has them tackling one another all over the place.
His eyes are drawn to another watcher. Remus Lupin sits with a few girls, watching and laughing with one another. Severus can’t help staring at that laughing face. Remus is beautiful and alive and so very perfect. If he didn’t know he was in love with Lily Evans, Severus might think he loved Remus. Or maybe he did. Severus tried not to lie to himself like that. He watched, because that was how he kept days pleasant and Black-less. He watched and thought to himself, ‘Thank you, Remus Lupin. Your smile is a very nice birthday present.’
3.
There are four days of bliss after his birthday. And then his mother is dead. Severus doesn’t cry. He feels hollow inside and wonders how he could ever not be hollow. He thinks he might be broken. He hears old fears and feels old loneliness. He’s alone.
The nature of secrets being what they are, the entire school knows within hours. Severus runs. He doesn’t know where to go, but he runs anyway. He runs until his lungs are screaming and he can barely feel his body. He runs until he’s taken into strong arms that don’t let him go.
Severus cries. He cries long and hard into the warmth of that embrace. He sags under the touch of fingers petting his hair and a strong arm around his waist. He cries from deep inside until it hurts and he’s left gulping breath as a soft voice tries to calm him.
When he comes to himself, Severus realizes that Remus Lupin is holding him. He’s too tired to care. So he lets it happen. He closes his eyes when he feels Remus’ lips against his forehead. He lets himself believe as Remus tells him it will be all right soon.
4.
Severus thinks he might love Remus. He knows Remus doesn’t, but he thinks he might. It’s painful but Severus is used to pain. He’s not afraid of it. Not like he’s afraid of his own feelings, anyway.
He’s confused. He doesn’t understand how he can love Remus when he loves Lily and the one thing he’s never doubted is his love for Lily. He supposes that he’s just that bent. It’s one more thing for his father to hate about him. One more thing he got wrong.
It feels wrong, twists him up inside when Remus touches him in the boy’s bathroom or when they sneak out at night and Remus has left his friends behind. Severus loves knowing Remus has done this. Has chosen him over them, even if just for a little while. He loves believing he’s important. Even a little.
Severus knows this won’t last. Remus hasn’t named it. Claimed it. Severus is afraid to. But he can let it continue. If that’s what it will take to keep Remus’ hands on him, he’ll let it continue this way. He’s terrified Remus will come to his senses. Severus doesn’t know what he’ll do if Remus ever does.
5.
The blood on his tongue is so familiar it hurts. Severus swallows because he can’t muster the will to turn his head and spit it out. He thinks he could probably choke on blood right now and then thinks about letting himself. It hurts more than he remembers.
His father is angry. He’s bitter and drunk and keeps yelling things that don’t make sense. Severus wonders if he ever made sense before. He doubts it, especially when Tobias grabs him again and everything starts all over.
“You look like her,” Tobias growls in a drunken slur. Severus can feel his breath against the back of his neck and then there’s pain again and he sobs. He can’t muster the breath to scream. Tobias pulls his hair and his chipped nails dig into his skin. Severus cries and bucks and begs but it isn’t over until Tobias has his fill. And then Severus lies in a shivering heap as his father limps away.
It hurts more than he remembers. He tells himself it’s all right. He remembers Remus and then Severus hates himself more than ever. He wonders how anyone can stand to look at him. He really is damaged goods.
6.
In hindsight, it shouldn’t surprise him. Severus sits in the headmaster’s office, staring at his hands. The blanket around his shoulders is warm and soft but he barely notices it. He’s in shock, he knows. All sweaty and not thinking. He has blood on his shirt. It’s his own.
Dumbledore keeps talking but Severus hasn’t heard a word about it. Black is red faced and tried to fight earlier but that was ended quickly. Potter looks like a sheet. He keeps looking at Severus as if to make sure he’s really there. Severus isn’t sure he is.
At some point in all this, Severus realizes that Remus is the snarling beast he’s just seen. He doesn’t want to believe it, but he knows it’s true. Severus tries not to lie to himself. His boyfr- Remus is a werewolf. It isn’t funny but suddenly, Severus is laughing. He hears things go silent, but by then his face is buried in his hands and he’s laughing too hard to breath.
When he looks up, Black and Potter are gone. Dumbledore looks very old. He tells Severus to go rest. Severus makes it to the door before he passes out into sweet oblivion.
7.
Remus doesn’t look at him anymore. He doesn’t go out a night and meet him. He doesn’t ignore his friends for a snog in a dark hallway. Severus didn’t know it would hurt like this. He isn’t really angry until he realizes Remus has no intention of coming back to him. Of explaining. Of fixing this. He thinks he probably meant very little to Remus after all.
So Severus fights. He yells at Dumbledore. He tries to get the whole lot of them expelled. He blames Remus for attacking him. He yells and rages and fights because he knows if he stops fighting, he’ll have to deal with how much this hurts.
And it does hurt. Not just Remus. It hurts when all Dumbledore does is give them detentions. It hurts when Dumbledore makes him swear to keep secrets. It hurts when Dumbledore doesn’t ask him if he’s all right. Because he’s not all right and he doesn’t know if he ever will be.
Severus wants to hurt them back. He plots and schemes and then Rosier tells him about someone who makes pain go away. Someone who will make him whole. Severus follows him and meets the Dark Lord.
8.
It takes a long time for the rage to leave him. Severus is old, then. Old in his mind at least. He never thought he’d live this long. He’s seen the rise and fall of a Dark Lord. He’s seen men fight and die and break. He’s been accused, imprisoned, and released. He’s seen a boy-savior risk is bloody neck too many times to count and be too stupid to thank those keeping that neck attached at both ends. When the rage leaves, it’s because he’s too tired to keep it and the lack leaves him empty inside. He has nothing else.
A boy rests shivering against him. In a day or so, Severus will give him over to the Death Eaters. He’s secured the boy’s life. He’s killed Albus Dumbledore. Severus doesn’t know how to feel. He keeps his arm around Draco’s shoulders. The boy stopped crying hours ago but he hasn’t stopped shaking. Severus doesn’t blame him.
He wishes he could be shaking, too. But he can’t. Severus knows that Draco must believe the farce. Draco must think he’s heartless, even if Severus lets him take comfort from him. He wishes he could cry. Just a little bit.
9.
There is smoke and blood and screaming. Severus can barely see. Spells whirl past him and a few have clipped him. Blood leaks from his throat and he keeps stumbling as if he’s drunk. He doesn’t quite know how he got away from Voldemort and Nagini or how he’s managed to survive this long. He knows, somewhere, Potter is doing what he must and the war will be over soon, one way or another.
He doesn’t give a damn about that. Instead, Severus searches. He kills men he’s known for years. He does his level best to keep friends from killing him without knowing he’s not their enemy. Everything hurts but Severus isn’t about to give up.
And then he finds what he’s looking for. Remus is hurt. He isn’t moving. Severus thinks for a moment that he’s too late, but then he finds Remus’ pulse. He almost cries. Instead, he uses what little strength he still has to haul Remus’ body out from under a half collapsed wall. Something hits him in the side and Severus snarls as hot, fresh blood soaks into his robes. He doesn’t care.
Severus gets Remus into an untouched classroom and keeps him alive.
10.
Severus ends up in Azkaban. It’s not as bad without the dementors but the silence of his isolation room is deafening. He scratches a new line in the stone wall each day to remind himself he’s alive and this is real. He doesn’t know how he survived.
Time is marked by how quickly bandages are removed from his body. His skin isn’t fully clear of bruises. The marks on his neck are angry red and he’s still got stitches here and there for a long time. They gave him as little care as they could. After all, he killed Albus Dumbledore. They’re happy to have caught his killer. Severus is just happy that the Dark Lord is dead. He could care less what happens to him.
It’s been two months by the marks on the wall when someone fetches him from the cell. He doesn’t understand but he doesn’t ask. They shove a bundle of things into his hands and demand he change. He does so without question. Then they lead him into a long hallway and thrust him out into sunlight and the presence of Remus Lupin. Severus doesn’t fight when Remus takes his hand and leads him away.