InsaneJournal

Severus’ father was a Catholic. His mother remained pagan, but she let Tobias teach Severus what he wanted, mostly to keep from getting beaten for her unholy beliefs. Despite all this, Severus hasn’t really taken either of them seriously when it came to religion. He barely believes much of Merlin, except as a historical figure.

Both religions stressed that there is something pleasant after death. Either a god waiting to give him wings or a rich summer land catered to his every wish. His mother didn’t believe in Hell, but Tobias had mentioned it enough that Severus is surprised not to see it now.

He is dead. Nagini’s poison did its job. But Severus isn’t in Hell.

Instead, he stands in a train station. Blinking slowly, Severus reaches up to touch his throat but there is no blood, no gore. He stares at his hand for a long while before hearing a noise and quickly turning to face it, though there is no wand in his hand.

Nothing. The train station is absolutely empty. Severus swallows thickly and begins to walk. Each step resounds within the space almost too loudly to bear. He bears it anyway, jaw clenched and hands tight at his sides.

No matter how many steps he takes, he gets no where. The station doesn’t change. The stairs off the ramp never get closer. He tries to run but to no avail. After what seems like hours, Severus gives up and takes a seat on a bench and drops his hands into his lap.

Maybe this is Hell. Tobias told stories of fires and pain but isn’t this a sort of Hell on its own? Severus doesn’t know and he is rather too frustrated to think about it. So he waits. There is nothing else to do. Severus waits and waits and then he falls asleep. He dreams of Remus Lupin and aches.

“Severus,” murmurs a quiet, familiar voice. Severus wakes slowly. He opens his eyes and realizes there is someone sitting next to him. He jolts a bit.

“Albus-” he begins and then falls silent. Dumbledore smiles softly, his eyes twinkling behind half moon glasses.

“It’s nice to see you, my boy. Though I wish it had been under different circumstances.”

Severus swallows. Dumbledore looks alive and vibrant and almost glowing. But mostly mind-numbingly, achingly alive.

“Do you know what this is?” Dumbledore asks. He waits for a response but there is none. “Do you know why you’re here?”

“He murdered me, of course.”

“Yes.”

Severus looks off onto the rails, hands clasped in his lap. “What now?”

“That is entirely up to you.” Dumbledore sits back, shifting to make himself more comfortable, then begins to comb out his beard. “There are places to go, you know. That’s why it’s a train station.”

Severus continues to stare at the rails. “What about what I’ve done? My deeds-”

“Do you really think that matters now?”

Abruptly, Severus is on his feet. Anger swirls through him. “Matters? Of course it bloody well matters! What would be the point if it didn’t?!”

Dumbledore sighs and gives him a sad look. “Calm down, Severus. It isn’t as simple here. Did you want someone to judge you? To take everything you’ve done and put it on scales to see what to do with you?”

“Yes!” Severus yells. “Yes, I want to see it! I want to know where I fall! I want to know if it was worth it!”

Dumbledore closes his eyes a moment. Then he puts away the comb. “That wouldn’t matter-”

“It would to me.” Because Severus wants to know if, despite everything he did and everyone he hurt, he was a good man.

“I could do that,” Dumbledore offers quietly, “but it wouldn’t make you happy.”

“I don’t care about being happy.”

Abruptly, Dumbledore chuckles. “Oh, Severus. There’s no need for bluster anymore. Who’s here to see it?”

Severus deflates a little. Dumbledore is right. There’s no one. Just them. He still can’t let it all go right now, but he sits down again.

“I’m not stupid,” Severus says softly. “I know what I want won’t happen. Especially now. So why bother wondering over senseless nothings?”

Dumbledore takes his hand. At first, Severus tries to jerk it free but Dumbledore holds fast. “There are other people here, Severus. They can’t see us or hear us, but they’re here. You aren’t alone.”

Severus wonders why Dumbledore thought this might comfort him. It doesn’t. At all.

“They’re lost, Severus. They’re confused and lost and hurt, just like you.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where I am,” Severus tries but Dumbledore knows him better than that.

“There are places to go,” the old man repeats instead. “Where do you want to be?”

“Does it matter?” Would anyone keep him from what he might choose?

“It matters.” Dumbledore smiles. “I can’t tell you where to go, Severus. I can only guide you. And the others.”

“Who?”

Dumbledore sighs a little. “Others. Lost and alone-”

“Who?”

“Others,” he responds again and then smiles a little sadly. “Some of them are waiting for loved ones. Others cannot fathom leaving.”

They’re quite for a long time. Severus stares at the rails again. Dumbledore lets go of his hand.

“Are any of them waiting for me?” Severus asks barely above a whisper. He feels Dumbledore’s eyes on him and adds hastily, “My parents?”

“That’s not who you want here.”

Severus clenches his jaw. He doesn’t want to talk about this right now. He doesn’t want to talk about this ever. But he supposes that ever is an attainable amount of time now.

“She’s waiting,” Dumbledore says finally. “But not for you.”

Severus isn’t surprised. But somehow the fact that she’s here, even if he can’t see her, is comforting in a strange, completely unhealthy way.

“Where can I go?” he murmurs.

“Anywhere. There is… another place. A place of light.”

“Heaven?”

“Some people call it that.”

Severus snorts. He’s not surprised Dumbledore continues not to give him straight answers. He thinks about Lily for a few moments and suddenly it’s very easy to let her go.

Dumbledore beams. “Good. That’s good, Severus.”

“It could have been pleasant,” Severus says softly. It’s easy to talk about now. “With her. We could have been very… comfortable.”

“Perhaps so.”

“But she was happy with Potter.”

“Yes.”

Severus looks down at his hands. “Her son was there. At the end.”

“Was it an end?” Dumbledore smiles and pats his shoulder. “Don’t think of it that way. Think of it as… a new chapter of existence.”

Severus finds this funny. So he laughs and a bit of tension unwinds in his belly. “That brat. That stupid, unruly brat. I gave up so much for him.”

Dumbledore nods, accepting that. He lets Severus believe this little fib, even though he knows it was really all for Lily and for Severus himself. “Do you regret helping him?”

For a long time, Severus is silent. He’s never thought about that before. He stares at his hands and ponders.

“I don’t know,” he admits. “I’ve tried to.”

Dumbledore nods again. He still has his hand on Severus’ shoulder. Then Dumbledore stands up. He leaves without another word. In two steps, he’s gone and Severus is alone.

The silence isn’t quite as engulfing. Severus stares at the rails and gets up. He thinks about what Dumbledore said and didn’t say. He wonders where to go now, because it’s obvious he has no reason to wait. There’s no one to greet.

Severus hears the sound of an approaching train. He wonders where it’s going but then he knows and he’s not afraid. He waits but the train is distant. It’s stalling. Waiting. Is there something holding him back? Severus frowns and tries to think of what. His parents have obviously moved on. He has no apprentices. No lost loves. No one to check on. Lily is waiting for someone else. He doesn’t give a damn when her son might die.

He thinks and then he realizes and it crushes him how much he never wants to have to be there to greet this one person.

Severus has someone to wait for. He sits on the bench again and stops hearing the train. It will wait for him. Severus stares at his hands. He wonders how long it will take. How long he will wait because he will wait.

And it turns out he doesn’t wait very long at all. It seems only minutes but suddenly, he knows. He stands up and he isn’t alone.

Remus stands near by. Severus stays quiet. He knows Remus can’t see him. Instead, he watches as Remus is greeted, watches James Potter and Sirius Black and Lily crowd around him with laughter and tears. He watches Remus cry and it hurts. But Severus waits.

Along comes Harry Potter. Severus wonders why he can see them all as they guide the boy savior. He watches Dumbledore. He watches Remus. Then Harry is gone and the ghosts fade away until it is only he and Remus left.

Remus is confused. He looks around and walks a bit. Severus watches him try to escape.

“Hello, Lupin,” he calls out but Remus doesn’t hear it. Severus isn’t surprised. He never gets what he wants. This isn’t new at all and for once, Severus can’t muster up the bitterness he’s so used to.

He watches as Nymphadora Tonks arrives. But Remus doesn’t see her and she doesn’t see him. Tonks fades away into the arms of what look like grandparents. She’s smiling and happy. Severus wonders why she finds it so easy to die.

Then it’s just him and Remus again. Severus knows Remus is as lost as ever. So Severus apologizes because he knows Remus won’t hear it. He apologizes for blaming him, for goading and debasing him. He apologizes for calling him a monster.

It feels better after. More empty but better. Severus thinks he might have needed this.

He looks at the rails but there’s a train there. It looks like the Hogwarts Express in a way. Severus finds this amusing. He always goes home to Hogwarts, it seems. For a moment, Severus wonders if this is how ghosts stick around the world. Going back to it. But then he realizes this train won’t take him to Hogwarts. He approaches it and the doors slid open for him.

Severus hesitates. He looks back and finds Remus is staring right at him.

“Severus?” Remus calls uncertainly. Severus wonders why he’s still there.

“Lupin,” he greets and there’s an uneasy tremble in his voice that he can’t hide. He tries to anyway.

“What is… Why are you..?”

“Your grasp on the English language is astounding,” Severus murmurs without the usual sneer. Remus doesn’t smile but he seems comforted by the attempt at normalcy.

“You died,” he says.

“As I imagine you did,” Severus replies.

Remus sits down on the bench. He doesn’t look like he quite knows what to look at. “What now?”

“Dumbledore says there are places to go.” The sarcastic hint isn’t nasty. Severus looks at the train waiting for him. He wonders if Remus can see it. “I intend to see what is waiting.”

“And if it’s painful?” Remus asks softly.

“Then I deserve it.”

“Are you afraid?”

Severus looks at him. “I believe there is little to fear now, Lupin. We’re dead.”

Remus gives a humorless laugh. He hasn’t accepted it yet. Severus can understand. He knows Remus can’t see the train now and tries not to feel a pang of disappointment. It isn’t as if he thought they might end up leaving together.

“I’m afraid,” he admits finally. He knows Remus is looking at him now. “I’m afraid my father will be right.”

“What did he say?” Remus asks.

Severus thinks about telling him. Then he decides Tobias doesn’t need to be remembered so much.

“It doesn’t matter. He’s wrong.” Severus is certain enough of that. He looks in the open doors of the train. The seats look comfortable, inviting. There’s a faint smell of pine and mint in the air. It reminds him of one Christmas when his father was working and it was just he and his mother.

Remus touches his arm. Severus jolts. He didn’t realize Remus had gotten up.

“I’m afraid,” Remus says with aching honesty. He smiles, soft and sad. “I’m so afraid of where the tunnel ends.”

Severus doesn’t know quite what he means, but he almost understands.

“Then stay here,” Severus says. “You know this is safe, after all.”

Remus looks at him. “But you’re not staying.”

“There are places to go,” Severus replies and it seems as if the phrase is never going to go away.

“Can I come with you?”

Severus blinks. He doesn’t know why that surprises him so much. Remus has always been a social, pack oriented creature. Maybe because Severus never has.

“Oh,” Remus says and then he smiles again. “Right. I’m sorry I asked.”

“What?”

“Well. You’re… I’m sorry. It’s all right. You don’t have to wait on me.”

Severus isn’t quite sure how to respond. Remus pulls back his hand and steps away. Without even thinking, Severus grabs that hand.

“You may accompany me,” Severus murmurs as he glances off. He doesn’t know what Remus’ expression is and doesn’t really care. “I suppose someone to fight the silence with would be fine.”

When he looks back, Remus is smiling. He can see the train.

Severus doesn’t smile back. But he doesn’t let go of Remus, either. They get on the train together. It still smells of pine and mint. Severus feels soothed as he settles into the plush seat with Remus beside him.

He thinks, in another life, that he might be more to Remus. That Remus will want him to be more. Or that someone else will. As the doors close, Severus rests his head back. He doesn’t care where the train ends up taking them.

Severus closes his eyes and sleeps. He dreams of Remus Lupin.

And then he doesn’t dream anymore.