Entry tags:

angst, complete, fanfic, lupin, mirror, sex, slash, snape, snupin

The Other Side of the Mirror 7
Title: The Other Side of the Mirror
Word Count: 62,542
Rating: NC17
Pairing: RL/SS, RL/SB, SS/LE(one sided), SS/LM
Content: Abuse, Anal, Angst, Bi, H/C, HJ, Language, M/M, N/C, Oral, Tort, Violence, WD
Summary: In sixth year, Remus Lupin nearly killed Severus Snape in wolf form. Miraculously, Severus escaped unharmed. But what if he hadn't?

1-4 5-8 9-12 13-16 17-20 20-24 25-28 29-33



Chapter 25
And Certainly Not

Severus thought he'd be ready for this. He wasn't. Not at all.

“I...”

Lord Voldemort smiled coldly, sending a shiver along Severus' back. He wasn't an idiot seventeen year old who didn't know who he was talking to. This man would not allow another slight to go unpunished.

“I suppose it is a decision not to be made lightly,” Lord Voldemort chuckled out and, blessedly, his gaze slid back to the crowd. Severus felt a little better not to have Lord Voldemort's eyes boring into him like that.

“I have been thinking about it,” Severus admitted quietly, arms tightening their hold around him. “I... I wouldn't want to enter into it half-heartedly.”

The older man snorted. “Yes, I would rather have completely loyal followers and doubts do tend to make that impossible.”

Severus glanced at him but quickly looked away. Something about Lord Voldemort drew him in, like a moth to flames, but that same power was so very out of his league that he could barely understand why the man would deign to look at him, much less invite him personally into his service. It wasn't as if Severus was special.

“You are special.” Severus jolted a little when Lord Voldemort echoed his thoughts. “I've been watching you for a long time, Severus. I believe you are a perfect candidate for my service.”

“Why?” he couldn't help but asking. The Dark Lord chuckled, thin lips pulled into a coldly amused smile.

“You and I have more in common than you think. I suppose... that I see myself in you.”

Severus' eyes widened faintly. What on earth could he possibly have in common with Lord Voldemort? He sucked in a quick breath as the Dark Lord leaned over and then murmured quiet words against his ear.

“Your father. You've left him alive all this time. Even after what he's done to you,” he murmured so silkily that Severus couldn't help but shiver. His father... Lord Voldemort knew about his father! Before Severus could try to save things, the Dark Lord continued. “I know what you are, Severus. I know what you can be. The Prince line needn't be spoiled by one muggle bastard. I can purge that man's blood from you.”

He felt like he'd been hit in the chest. Severus blinked wildly and his heart pounded as Lord Voldemort pulled away. Purge him of Tobias' blood? Could he? Severus didn't know if he should believe it, but he wanted to. Merlin, did he want to. Maybe it was only bring a Prince descendant that mattered, but for once, someone wanted something of him. Someone thought he was special. Worth waiting for. Worth working for.

“Can you...?”

Lord Voldemort smiled. “I can do things that would erode your mind to dust with worshipful awe, Severus. I can bring you fame... Fortune. Acceptance. You will never have to remember that man or that life.”

It was so much to take in, so much to understand and believe. Merlin, was this honestly happening?

“Will you accept this gift?” Lord Voldemort asked softly, his expression serious and faintly hinted with a deeper wanting that made Severus shiver. “Will you accept me?”

Severus stared at him. He'd never... never been asked to accept someone else. Always, it was the other way around and he'd always been so painfully rebuked. Without even meaning to, he found himself nodding, unable to do the same to anyone else.

“Yes... Yes, I will accept you..”

The Dark Lord smiled once more and Severus realized what he'd just done. Dear Merlin...

“Tonight, you will be staying here?” Lord Voldemort asked.

“Yes. Lucius offered me a guest suite.”

“Excellent. I shall see you later this evening, then, once the rabble have had their fun and parted ways.”

And then the man was gone. Severus stared after him, feeling pale and shaky as that overwhelming aura left with him. Dear Merlin, what had he just done? Quickly, Severus left the main ballroom and found a bathroom where he quickly unloaded the contents of his stomach. He knelt against the tiled floor, panting with sudden anxiety. Dear Merlin.

He had to get out of there. He had to run. But where would he go? Rosier was dead. Lupin out of the question. He didn't dare bring danger to Belby. And Lord Voldemort knew-

His heart nearly stopped. Lord Voldemort knew about his father. He knew what he was. This same man who hated muggles with such a passion that he'd dedicated his life to eradicating them. This same man who tortured and murdered and... Oh God.

He threw up until there was nothing left in his stomach to lose. What was he going to do?! It was all well and good to defend his friends, to hold out their good intentions and character, but he couldn't do this!

…But Lord Voldemort knew what his father was. He knew who his father was. If he ran, Tobias was a dead man. And for some inane reason, Severus couldn't let that happen.

He shook and panted and curled his fingers in his long hair. What was he going to do?!

Nearly an hour later, Lucius tracked him down. By then, Severus had managed to calm his body and wash his face, but he was still so shaky and pale. Lucius didn't ask. He already knew. And Severus knew there was no escaping this.

He hoped his father's deity could forgive him because he was rather sure Merlin never would.

The office Lucius led him to had been cleared of everything except a round, blood red rug and a high backed chair just past it. In that chair sat Lord Voldemort. He didn't get up when the two wizards entered but a cold smile spread over his lips. Immediately, Severus felt the faint pressure of someone trying to break into his mind. He reacted instinctively, throwing up extra defenses to his usual latent ones and letting his thoughts filter so that only those he wanted to pass into the open did. After a bit, that pressure let off but he doubted it would be gone for long.

“Welcome, Severus. I'm so glad you've agreed to join us.” Lord Voldemort's smile sent shivers down his spine every time. Severus did all he could to hide it.

“It doesn't seem possible to make a different choice,” Severus murmured truthfully, which only made the Dark Lord chuckle.

“What a lovely way of looking at things.

Lord Voldemort rose from his chair as Lucius backed away from Severus's side, leaving him standing alone on the blood red rug. That was fine. He'd always been alone to face things. Why would it ever change now?

“Kneel.”

Severus glanced at the man's amused face for a moment before he carefully lowered onto his knees, hands resting upon them. Lord Voldemort's smile widened.

“Your left hand.”

Another hesitation, but the Dark Lord didn't seem to care once he'd lifted his hand up. Lord Voldemort seized him around the wrist in a tight, painful grip. Severus didn't let himself flinch. It was just like being with Grandfather Snape again. He'd only be hit a second time if he flinched or turned away. He didn't even let himself twitch when the edge of the Dark Lord's wand touched his forearm.

“Severus Snape, do you swear to serve me faithfully for the rest of your days? Do you swear to lay down your life for me, for whatever reason I ask for it? Do you swear to submit yourself to my every order until the day you die?”

“I swear,” Severus murmured and was rather surprised his voice didn't waver. The air changed, charging with stored magic and promise.

“Then I accept you, Severus Snape, and rename you Death Eater.”

Pain struck with such sudden violence that Severus had no defense. He screamed as fire burned along his arm and through the rest of his body. He was burning, blackened, turning to ash! His scream rose higher, reverberating through the walls. Through the fire, he thought he felt wind, sparks of magic, thought he might have heard voices and a terrible laughter...

And then it was over. Severus slumped forward, cradling his arm against his chest as he panted for breath and shook. His body was still there, nothing had burned, but his arm... It throbbed as if he'd broken something. Looking down, Severus stared at the newly tattooed mark upon his pale skin. The skull glared and laughed at him as the snake slithered through it, mouth open for the bite. Severus shivered harder.

“Rise, Death Eater.”

Severus was sure he'd collapse if he tried, but he had to. He carefully got onto his feet and rose, swaying lightly in place as he held his arm. Lord Voldemort glanced over his work with pride before his dark eyes flickered up to Severus' pale face. Then he chuckled.

“Go ahead, Snape. Faint. It's over.”

In more ways than he ever thought possible. Severus tried to hold on but Lord Voldemort had read his body perfectly. Within seconds, the world went black as Severus fell.

He didn't dream and he didn't know how long passed until he woke. Someone had moved him to the guest room. Severus stared up at the canopy top and then lifted his left arm. His night shirt rolled down to his elbow, exposing the nasty mark upon his skin. Severus wanted to cut it out of him. He sat up, staring down at it as the eyeless sockets glared back, promising pain and mayhem.

“What have I done?” he whispered, hand curling into a fist. The snake seemed to slither within the skin as tendons shifted under. He relaxed his hand and closed his eyes. Damn it.

The door opened and Lucius came in. Both men stared at one another for a long few moments before Lucius pulled a chair by the window closer to the bed and sat down in it.

“Well. This has been an eventful day for you, hasn't it?”

Severus wanted to rip out that smooth talking mouth. Instead, he just answered quietly, “I suppose.”

“It gets better after the initiation. Only the worthy survive. The rest burn into cinders.”

Severus closed his fist again and stared at the mark. Worthy. Was that what Lord Voldemort meant by purging Tobias out of him? He found himself not really caring. Worthy... He supposed he could deal with that. For a little while, anyway.

Chapter 26

Because They Make you



It seemed that as soon as he left Lucius' house the next day, Severus' life was a sudden whirlwind of activity. Things at St. Mungo's picked up as attacks around the country sent more and more wizards into hospital care. Severus found it disconcerting that he now furiously brewed for the self same people he fought and injured.



Lord Voldemort had put him to work immediately. Nearly every other night, Severus was participating in a raid if he wasn't doing dangerous potions work for the man. It was exhausting, working through the day brewing and then spending nights fighting Ministry Aurors in hit and run operations. There wasn't a day when one or the other one of the higher ranking Death Eaters didn't heal him of some pain. Whoever the twp men were, they were the only healers Severus saw among the corps and he committed their voices to memory since they kept their faces covered. However, he never heard those voices at St. Mungo's.



Severus figured out a good half of who everyone was. Death Eaters were suppose to keep their faces covered unless Lord Voldemort himself told them to unmask. Protections from spies. Only Death Eaters of certain ranks know who was on which raid. However, Severus had always been an avid people-watcher. It was easy to figure through bits of conversation, body language, and unconscious habits to who belonged to who, especially since most members showed themselves at various parties where their class allowed.



He hated the raids. He hated the stench of fire and urine and blood. He hated the screams of innocent people and children. He hated the sight of bodies writhing under Cruciatus. He hated the way they rounded muggles and sympathizers like rats, singling out certain targets, and then destroying them. He hated himself for doing it all.



When the chance came to do a reconnaissance mission instead, Severus jumped on it. Apparating to Hogsmeade, he sought out the tavern he'd been told to scope. His cloak kept his identity secret and wasn't all that odd, really. No one else out that night seemed surprised. He took ordered a drink and set to waiting.



The targets came finally. Severus drank and listened. So close to April's full moon, his hearing was at its peak. However, they were speaking in code. Severus memorized the words but he wanted to know more. With a faint frown, Severus lifted his head and stared at the two from beneath his hood covertly. Carefully, he curled his hand around the hilt of his wand and whispered out, “Legilimens.”



It was suddenly clear. Neither men had any but the most rudimentary mental shields and Severus got through them easily. He learned the cypher for their code, memorized names and dates and locations, and then pulled free without either knowing he'd been there in the first place. He left sometime after they did and returned to his flat, writing everything down in one of the three Death Eater cyphers. Once completed, he reported back to his superior, who seemed slightly surprised he'd done so well.



After that, there were no more raids for him. Severus had shown himself to be more valuable than that. The next months, his work load was easier for his missions came only every week or two, giving him plenty of time to rest and recuperate while he brewed for St. Mungo's. He didn't mind the missions. There was no longer a stench of death that seemed to infiltrate every stitch of clothing he owned. The hard part was over, he thought.



June brought Lucius's child into the world. They named him Draco in typical pure blood fashion. Severus was there the day after the birth and blessed the child himself, accepting formally the role of godfather. Draco cried and screamed, pink face scrunched up when he wasn't in his mother's arms. It amused Severus to watch as Narcissa cooed and smiled at the child, all too happy to have him with her. The moment was soft and gentle and even Lucius couldn't help gazing at his heir with utter adoration. Draco would grow up happy and loved, as it should be.



A week later brought him back to Hogsmeade to investigate another lead. The weather had turned foul and was raining buckets upon him as lightning stuck through the sky. Severus crept into place at the Hog's Head Inn and waited. Experience had made him rather relaxed, really. He didn't have to worry about dying for the most part and he'd made it an art to lie low years ago. It was second nature now.



His target entered with the most particular woman. Her frizzy hair seemed to overtake her head, as did her wide glasses which multiplied her eyes to dizzying size. He covered a snort. The woman didn't worry him but the target was one Albus Dumbledore. As they sat down, Severus was a bit surprised Dumbledore didn't notice him there.



It was an interview, apparently. The woman spoke in riddles and with grandiose gestures that were little becoming for how useless those words were. Severus found her absolutely ridiculous. As the interview came to a close, Dumbledore began to tell her that he would not be hiring her when the woman abruptly went very still. Severus narrowed his eyes and listened carefully as her voice dropped low and dark with a cadence completely different than her own.



"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches.…born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not.…and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives.…the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…"



Severus barely kept himself from reacting. A prophecy? They were rarely real, but he suddenly felt a cold chill in his gut. Severus barely heard the woman mention something about being faint and then Dumbledore's kind worry before accepting her to Divination professor of Hogwarts. They soon left but Severus stayed behind, silently reeling.



A child was to be born that could defeat the Dark Lord? He shivered. Such a child would have to have more power than even Dumbledore himself. To think one like that would be born...



Eventually, Severus managed to get back to his contact. He relayed the prophecy along, as with that Dumbledore had spoken of nothing consequential and seemed busy with the running of his school. Then he escaped back to his flat to try and cool his unease.



In early August, Severus received word that Lily had borne a son on the 31st of July. They named the child Harold James Potter. Vaguely, Severus remembered Lily having an uncle named Harold that she'd particularly adored. It seemed pathetic that James had to christen the child with his own name. Severus didn't rip up the letter or the moving photo of mother with child. James wasn't in it, after all. He ended up putting both on his dresser and not moving them.



Days later, a second letter came in from none other than Albus Dumbledore. Apparently, Severus' old Potions teacher had seen fit to retire and with such little notice, Dumbledore was having trouble finding anyone else to take up the job. Severus thought about it for days before realizing that being so close to Dumbledore would make it easier to watch the man and relay things back to the others. He accepted the position and contacted St. Mungo's with his resignation.



School began on September 1st, but Severus moved in a week earlier to ready his personal rooms and classroom. He met with the other teachers, most of which were still those who had taught him. McGonagall gave him a softer smile as she shook his hand in greeting and gave a late congratulations for his earning the Mastery of Potions title. Severus found it a bit odd to be on a first name basis with her and the rest, but in a way, it warmed him to be seen as their equal. Dumbledore made it known that he was welcome to visit the headmaster's office if ever he had a problem. It seemed a little cryptic to Severus, but he figured he was likely just paranoid.



Severus was also named Head of Slytherin, which gave him great pride. When school began, he met young cousins of his own school mates and little bastards he'd hoped would never exist, and that was just in his own house. He never realized how idiotic children could be until he had to teach them.



Near the end of October, Severus was promoted to the Second Level Circle out of the blue. He wondered why but it wasn't until mid December that he found out. It was the prophecy. In giving Lord Voldemort the prophecy of his own doom, Severus had sealed his loyalty and Lord Voldemort always praised loyalty and usefulness. And then Severus found out from Lucius that Lord Voldemort had decided on what child the prophecy spoke of.



Harold James Potter.



As soon as he could get away from Lucius, Severus apparated back to Hogwarts and flew to the Headmaster's office. He was lucky to find Dumbledore there and awake. So panicked that he was, it took longer to calm down enough to actually be understood. Dumbledore sat next to him, one hand at his shoulder as Severus shook and held his head in his hands.



“I don't care if you turn me in,” Severus told him, quiet and scared. “I don't care if they throw me in Azkaban or give me the Kiss. I..I..”



“You're not making sense, my boy,” Dumbledore murmured with worry. “What has happened that's gotten you into such a state?”



“He knows. He knows the prophecy. He knows about Lily's baby.”



“Lily's son...?”



Severus lifted his head and stared at the Headmaster with wide, frightened eyes, his face pale and heart racing.



“There were only two,” Severus explained. “Two children who could fit. It's not the Longbottom child, it's Lily's.”



Dumbledore frowned. “How...”



“It's my fault. I-I told him. I'm Death Eater.” Severus swallowed thickly, dragging back his sleeve to show Dumbledore the hated mark. “You have to... You have to protect her. He'll come for the child. He'll kill her for it.”



“What do you propose? I can't take that boy from his parents just to-”



“Hide them all, then. Keep her – them – safe. Please.”



“And what will you give me in return, Severus?”



Severus blinked, breath hitching. “In – in return? Anything.”



Dumbledore nodded and let go of his shoulder, standing once more. He walked to his desk and stared down at it, hands resting on the surface.



“Severus, do you know of the Order of the Phoenix?” the old man finally asked as he turned and glanced over one shoulder. Severus frowned.



“Yes... There have been a few Aurors we've fought that were thought to be part of the Order. I don't know much about them since I've been doing reconnaissance work.”



Dumbledore nodded and then leaned back against his desk, still holding the edge. “I will protect the Potters. We'll find a way. In the meantime, I ask that you act as my spy within Voldemort's forces, that you join the Order of the Phoenix.”



“What?” Severus stared at him. “But... I am..”



“Already spying on me, apparently,” Dumbledore murmured almost kindly. “You will feed Voldemort the information I tell you to and, in turn, give me information you come across. If you cannot or will not agree to this, I must contact the Ministry.”



Severus thought about it, feeling numb inside. There was one issue, one problem he could not ignore no matter how much he wished he could. “Can you protect my father as well?”



Dumbeldore nodded. “Yes.”



“Then I'll do it. I'll be your spy. Your man until death.”

Chapter 27
You Did It

The Potters disappeared in mid January, as did a few other prominent families. Severus didn't ask where they'd gone because he didn't want to be a risk to their safety. To her safety.

Lord Voldemort was furious. When Severus was brought before him to give an update on Dumbledore's activities, he ended up on the wrong side of a Cruciatus curse. He stumbled back to his rooms later in a shaking wreck, but he'd succeeded. The Dark Lord didn't know he'd been the one to alert anyone.

When he wasn't being tortured by Lord Voldemort or doing missions for Dumbledore, Severus rather enjoyed teaching. The students were idiots, but when he found someone with a similar talent to his own, he felt compelled to further that talent. Between extra classes for such students, tutoring the idiots, detentions, regular classes, and then missions on top of it, Severus ran himself constantly ragged. He often wondered if it was worth it.

The school year went quickly. There was so much to do, so many battles to fight... The Death Eaters had become more emboldened by victories as the Order of the Phoenix fought valiantly against them. The violence was ever escalating into a monster too fierce for any to be unmarked. The children spent their days quiet and subdued, the younger ones often found in terrified tears while the older ones grew more and more morose. Children were pulled out of school every week as their families went into hiding or left the continent. More and more, he had his Slytherins coming to him for assurances and support. Severus had never felt so much responsibility.

And then June arrived. The children were sent home and Severus' life became even more busy. He was constantly pulled into plots of Voldemort's and the others of Dumbledore's, barely having a moment to himself. He rarely had to deal with others of either group because of his specialty but that didn't bother him so much as his lack of rest. When the summer ended, he was relieved.

School began in September. Barely half the students made it there. Countless children had been killed with their parents, others still hiding out. Those left behind were a grim bunch who barely had any reason to hope that the vicious fighting would end.

And then it all came to a head on Halloween night. Then his whole world fell apart.

It was near midnight when Severus's arm suddenly alighted with massive pain. He screamed out, waking in bed only to curl around himself and writhe as fire licked though his veins and ripped him from the inside. He thought he might die, his heart might stop, and then it was over. He laid still and shaking, clutching his still throbbing arm. Something had happened. Something with the Dark Lord?

When he was able, Severus got up and pulled on his robe. He left his rooms and searched out the Headmaster, only to find out he was gone. McGonagall was the same. Vaguely panicked, he went to the staff room to find a surprising number of Order members there.

Lupin sat on their small couch, head in his hands and shoulders shaking. Pomfrey sat next to him with her arm around him as she pet his hair. Old Elphias Doge was involved in an animated conversation with Arthur Weasley, who was trying very, very hard not to cry.

“What has happened?” Severus hissed out. The room went silent as Pomfrey, Doge, and Weasley looked at him, startled by his sudden appearance. Severus was rather sure he looked quite bad off, shaky as he still felt and holding his left arm.

“The Dark Lord is dead,” Doge said quickly. “He's gone! We're free of him!”

At that, Lupin gave another hoarse sob. What the blazes...? And then it really hit him. Severus stared at the old man, barely breathing. Dead? Voldemort was...dead...? Severus staggared a bit into the door frame, just staring. How could this be? Voldemort... He was immortal! Luckier than the devil and with just as much darkness in his heart. How could anyone have ever defeated him?

“Who?” he demanded. “Who did it? Dumbledore?”

Doge blinked. “Well... Well, that's where it gets a little funny. It was Harry bloody Potter!”

Severus stared a moment and then scowled. “This is no time for jokes!”

“It..It's not a joke,” Weasley added in, eyes tearing up. “That baby... He really did it. Somehow... somehow, he defeated that madman... but...but the cost...”

Weasley broke, covering his eyes with one hand as his body gave a sudden shudder. And Lupin was still sobbing on the couch. Voldemort was gone. Severus didn't understand. Why were they so heart broken? He stilled suddenly.

“Who's dead?”

Doge's face fell. Pomfrey gave a little sniff and then buried her face in Lupin's shoulder. Severus stayed very still. Dumbledore? Had that old man finally found his end? It wouldn't be surprising.

Weasley managed to get a hold of himself partly, tears streaming down his face as he looked at the younger man.

“James and Lily,” he murmured.

Severus didn't move. He stared. “What?”

“J-James and Lily,” Weasley repeated, shaking faintly. It still didn't quite hit. Severus felt suddenly numb. He left, moving back to his own rooms. As the door closed behind him with finality, Severus's knees weakened under him and he fell to them.

Lily. Lily was...

It didn't make sense. She was under protection! Dumbledore swore to him he'd protect her! She couldn't... It didn't make sense.

Her son had defeated the Dark Lord.

No, it was all lies. It couldn't...

Her son had defeated the Dark Lord and she was dead.

Severus crumpled in on himself and wept until he'd made himself sick. Then he staggered to his feet and got to his stash of whiskey.

He wasn't sober until two days later and that was only because Dumbledore stole what was left of the stash and refused to return it. He sobered slowly and painfully and his sorrow burned just as hard when he was of his own mind again. Then he promised Dumbledore he would watch over that boy, her son, as Dumbledore had been unable to protect his mother. The old man allowed it and then told him that Harry Potter had been left with others and to wait. His time would come soon enough. Severus hated him more that moment then he'd ever hated anyone at all.

The school was having a week long holiday, luckily enough. There was no reason he had to make an appearance in front of the children. He wanted to curl up and let himself die but Dumbledore refused to let him. Somehow, when the new week began, Severus managed to drag himself to class and conduct it. That didn't stop him from getting drunk that night at one of the shadier taverns in Hogsmeade. He refilled his stash and spent nearly the next month teaching through continuous hangovers.

The Aurors and the Order worked double time to round up Death Eaters right and left. There were almost continuous trials and Severus was brought in as well. He barely managed to escape Azkaban, only Dumbledore's word keeping him away. Then he returned to Hogwarts and hid there.

Frank and Alice Longbottom ended up in St. Mungos after being tortured insane in mid November. The remaining Order Members were devastated and fought even harder to bring an end to the lasting violence. Severus didn't bloody care about any of it. Anything really, even when Igor Karkaroff denounced him in court. Dumbledore, once again, came forward to protect him.

Sirius Black killed thirteen muggles and Peter Pettigrew in January. The news was utter shock. Black had gone missing just after the Potters' deaths and had not resurfaced until then. The sheer violence of the attack shocked the whole of Wizarding England, and even worse the laughter Black had been reported to have uttered when he was taken into custody. He was sentenced to life in Azkaban.

Severus wished he'd been ripped into pieces, especially when the full story came out. A Fidelius charm, a betrayal, and now murder of a remaining Marauder. None of it made sense. Severus drank and then decided that he'd been right. Black had been no good from the start, a wolf in sheep's clothing, and Lily had paid for it. Severus hated him more than ever.

Weekends became blurs he didn't remember. He avoided the rest of the staff, ignored Dumbledore and McGonagall's attempts to talk with him, to share in his sorrow. He didn't want to talk. He didn't even want to think.

In retrospect, he shouldn't have been surprised when Lupin appeared in his room late one Saturday night. Lupin looked like utter shit and, drunk as he was at the time, Severus didn't hold back telling him so. He didn't remember well what happened after, just a long stream of flashes that didn't make sense.

He woke up in bed and stared at the ceiling fan and wondered why he hadn't just killed himself already. It wasn't going to get better. It wasn't going to change. His life was this shit existence of pain and ruthless violence and it was never, ever going to get better.

Lupin was asleep beside him. They were both naked. There were bruises and bites along both of them and Severus' body felt strung out and unfamiliar. Sex, he supposed. The headache pounding in his skull made it hard to think. Severus sat up and the sheet that had only partially covered him fell away. He held his aching head and stared at Lupin and wondered why he was there.

Why the hell would he be there?

Severus had already showered and taken a hangover potion before Lupin woke. He watched Lupin sit up and run a hand through his hair. He watched Lupin look up and notice him and blanch.

“Severus.”

It took a few moments and then he answered with a quiet, “Lupin.”

Lupin didn't seem surprised. He dropped his hands into his lap and just looked at him. Severus folded his arms over his chest.

“What are you doing here?” Severus wondered if his voice had always sounded so tight and hoarse.

Lupin had a deadened look on his face. As numb as Severus felt. “Where else am I suppose to be?”

Severus had to admit that was a rather good question. His friends dead, a betrayer in Azkaban, what was left for him except the packmate he had left alone for years now? Severus' chest tightened and he prepared to tell him to leave, but what came out was a quiet, strained, “Stay here.”

Lupin watched him and seemed to read the vulnerability Severus didn't even know he had. Finally, he nodded a little and Severus fetched him a hangover potion. They didn't speak as Lupin cleaned up and Severus refreshed his robes. A house elf brought breakfast enough for two, apparently warned by the Headmaster. Severus assumed Dumbledore was plotting something again but he really didn't care.

He didn't drink much that day as he and Lupin sat in his living area before the fire, watching the wood burn. Severus sipped the same glass of whiskey for hours.

“Severus.” He glanced over at Lupin, who had not called him Snape that entire time. For a moment, Lupin looked like he wanted to ask something important, but his courage failed. “The next moon?”

“Nine days,” Severus responded and that was all. Lupin left that evening.

Chapter 28
For Yourself

Severus had rather been expecting another round of bad news. It still felt like a hit to the face when he received notice that his father had been killed in the factory a day after Lupin left. The accident was due to a faulty piece of machinery. The company lawyer urged him not to sue and offered a settlement to keep him quiet. He didn't sue, mostly because he didn't have the strength to.

Tobias was buried next to Eileen. Severus didn't really know why he bothered. It wasn't as if Tobias had ever been a father to him. There was money left behind, no debts except the mortgage for the house on Spinner's End. He used the money to buy a tombstone but he didn't have anything written on it except Tobias's name and his dates of birth and death. Severus didn't feel enough to add an epitaph.

It was raining when they put the body down. Severus was alone to witness it. Long after the burial team left, he stood in front of his family plot and stared at the graves. Far too many graves for how little he felt about all of them. Severus left flowers for his mother.

Great aunt Lavina sent him a card. It offered condolences and then invited him to come live with her. She thought he was seven. He sent a polite reply and that was the last contact he had with any blood relatives.

Two days later, Severus went to the Shrieking Shack for the transformation. He still felt numb but he hadn't drunk anything since Lupin left. The taste left him feeling sick.

The moon itched under his skin. Severus hated it. He climbed up into the shack and closed the trap door behind him, feeling the warding spell click into place. He rose and then stood, thinking back. Had he taken his potion the last seven days? They blended together in a mass of numbness. Well. It didn't really matter, now did it. Severus sighed softly and began to undress.

A sound made his fingers pause along the buttons down his vest. He instinctively tracked the noise, head twitching to one side. After a moment, he moved back towards the trapdoor just before it opened. Severus had his wand out and trained before he even thought about it.

Lupin stared back at him, half through the door. He glanced at the wand, then up to Severus' face. It took more than a few moments for Severus to drop his wand again.

“What are you doing here?”

Lupin dragged himself fully inside and closed the trap door. “Well, as much as I love the idea of rampaging outside-”

“What are you doing here?!”

The shorter man looked at him again. Severus didn't realize just how shaken he was until that moment he heard the strain and upset in his own voice. His hands tightened at his sides.

“Where else am I suppose to be?” Lupin asked so softly he barely heard. Severus swallowed when Lupin smiled at him sadly. Too much. Severus looked away.

They undressed in silence, stowing their clothing away like they had as children. Severus sat against one wall, thin legs pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped around them. The moon itched more powerfully under his skin, alighting his senses. He could hear Lupin breath and his steady heart beat, scent the sweat on his skin and the faint salt of tears. His eyes flickered over to watch him out of the corner of his eye.

Lupin was alone, he realized. Just like he was.

The transformation come over them. For the first time in three years, the packmates were reunited but it wasn't the same anymore. Both wolves had human minds. They stayed where they were, staring at one another. The brown wolf was not quite Lupin. The black was not quite Severus. They fidgeted and scented the air. After a bit, the brown wolf laid down, head resting on his forepaws, and the black followed suit.

There was still a natural nervous energy in them. They couldn't lay for long before the need to move so overtook them that nothing else was thinkable. They padded around the shack, reacquainting with familiar territory and familiar smells. They tried not to bother each other, taking scrupulous care to keep out of each other's ways. It didn't work all that well and they often came face to face. After a long stare off, one or the other would turn away and continue on until the night was over. The black wolf curled up to sleep and not far from him, the brown did the same.

Severus woke to a touch that wasn't quite unfamiliar. He stayed still, kept his eyes closed, and kept his breathing smooth. Fingers, he surmised. Running through his hair. He felt warmth radiating from near his back. It wasn't quite soothing, but nor was it unpleasant. Severus let it go on for a bit, even knowing it had to be Lupin doing it. If Lupin wanted to touch him, he was a bit too tired to protest.

He did, eventually, decide to get up. Severus sat up and Lupin jerked his hand back only to blink when Severus grabbed him and gave him a tired look.

“Why do you do that?” he asked quietly. Lupin's jaw clenched faintly.

“I felt like it.”

Severus looked at him narrowly for a bit before he released him. They got up and dressed. As he tugged his shirt on, Severus noticed Lupin was staring at him. He frowned, shooting back an annoyed look.

“What is it?”

Lupin glanced at his face and then back towards... his arm. Severus pursed his lips and tugged his sleeve down, securing the buttons on his cuff. Severus jerked a little when Lupin stepped up to him and took his hand, undoing the cuff and pushing up his sleeve again. There was silence as Lupin stared at the Mark, running light fingertips over it. Severus thought it should hurt, somehow, even though it didn't.

“They can't remove it?” Lupin asked softly. Severus shook his head.

“It's entwined with my magical core.” It would kill him.

They were quiet as they finished getting dressed and went to Pomfrey. She gave them a few potions, checked them for injury, and then sent them off again. Severus started back to his rooms but paused, glancing back towards Lupin.

“..You're....welcome to join me. If you'd like to,” Severus managed awkwardly. Lupin shrugged a little, looking away.

“Are you pitying me, Severus?”

He scowled at vague sting that caused. Fine. Teach him to try. Severus turned and started back towards the dungeons only to have a hand clamp over his wrist. He flinched, jerking his hand free with a scathing look.

“I'm sorry,” Lupin said, frowning back at him. “I wasn't trying to... well. It doesn't matter. I'm sorry. I'd like to join you.”

Severus looked over him narrowly, suspicious of another slight but Lupin's expression was sincere. Finally he nodded a little and led Lupin back to his rooms. The best medicine was to sleep, but he doubted he'd be able to in such close quarters to Lupin. Instead, he ended up in his small mini kitchen, making tea. Lupin stood awkwardly near by, looking at this or that. Severus watched him from the corner of his eye. It was so strange to have the other man in his territory, but not as strange as he'd thought it would be. Of course, Lupin was pack to him. He supposed that meant something.

“Are these your parents?”

Severus nearly dropped the kettle. He looked over, seeing Lupin standing at his mantle. His parents? Severus set down the kettle from where he'd been pouring and stalked over, taking the framed photograph from Lupin and looking himself. He nearly stopped breathing.

It was from years ago, second year. Some relative had badgered Tobias into getting a picture made of the family. Eileen sat in chair stiffly, hands folded in her lap. He was next to her, one hand on her shoulder. Tobias stood behind them with his arms folded. Three equally grim Snapes. The photograph was stationary, since Tobias' family was muggle. In a way, it made them seem even more grim. Severus' eyes tracked over his father's face. Tobias really hadn't changed until the day he died.

Severus set the photograph back on his mantle, face down. His chest hurt but an overwhelming numbness soothed it back.

“Severus?” Lupin murmured, faintly worried. He didn't look at him.

“Yes. Those were my parents.”

Lupin stiffened as he understood what Severus meant. He looked away. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't be.”

Severus returned to the kitchen and finished preparing their tea. He brought Lupin his and they stood in front of his fire in silence. Neither drank. Severus wondered why in hell he'd ever asked Lupin to come back with him.

“Sirius is a traitor.”

Stiffening faintly, Severus glanced over, watching Lupin gaze blankly at the fire. “Lupin...”

“He tricked me.” Lupin closed his eyes. “I didn't... He got distant, at the end. He didn't talk to me about J-James. He... I should have realized something was wrong. He stopped talking to me.”

Severus didn't want to hear about Black, but he couldn't make Lupin stop talking. As if he knew how much Lupin needed to talk.

“How do you live with someone for years and not realize what they are...?”

“It's not your fault.”

Lupin jerked, whipping his head around to stare at Severus and quite suddenly, Severus knew what he needed. He set down his cup and then drew Remus to him, arms wrapping tight around the other werewolf's body.

“It's not your fault,” he repeated softly. “He trained us. To hide. To trick. It's not your fault you fell for Black's mask. The man was masterfully good at it. I.... I didn't even know.”

Remus shivered and dropped his cup as he grasped onto Severus tight. Severus didn't even bother being mad about the wet carpet. He rested his cheek against Remus' hair, feeling Remus breathing against his throat. He took in Remus's scent, full of aches and pains and the hint of chocolate and musk. Remus felt warm and alive against him.

“Stay with me,” Severus whispered. He didn't care how long. He didn't care why. He just wanted... Not to be alone.

Remus didn't respond at first. He held tighter, breathing hitching here and there, and then he murmured ever so softly, “I...I can't just... I won't use you, just to... just to...”

“Shut up.” Severus closed his eyes. It wasn't as if he hadn't been used before. Or would be later. “I don't care about that. Just stay. Stay with me. For now. For... Please.”

He heard Remus's breathing go uneven again and held tighter. The silence killed him. If he was pushed away again... Remus shivered. “Okay.”