Entry tags:

angst, complete, fanfic, lupin, mirror, sex, slash, snape, snupin

The Other Side of the Mirror 6
Title: The Other Side of the Mirror
Word Count: 62,542
Rating: NC17
Pairing: RL/SS, RL/SB, SS/LE(one sided), SS/LM
Content: Abuse, Anal, Angst, Bi, H/C, HJ, Language, M/M, N/C, Oral, Tort, Violence, WD
Summary: In sixth year, Remus Lupin nearly killed Severus Snape in wolf form. Miraculously, Severus escaped unharmed. But what if he hadn't?

1-4 5-8 9-12 13-16 17-20 20-24 25-28 29-33



Chapter 21
And Know You Did It

After completing the Wolfsbane potion, there were only a few weeks before Severus completed his internship, tested, and gained his Mastery in Potions. All he got was a bit of paper, but it still made him feel more accomplished than even graduating from Hogwarts had. He left Belby behind after the man helped him secure a position as junior potions maker for St. Mungo's. Severus found a flat nearby.

December brought another letter from Lupin. They had been trading words off and on but Severus ended up staring at the page for a good while, wondering how to feel about it. Sirius Black's brother Regulus was dead. It had happened weeks ago but Black, and by proxy Lupin since they were now living together, had only found out recently. Lupin was cut up about it and there was evidence that he'd been killed by Death Eaters. Which was preposterous, since Severus remembered Lucius mentioning the brat as part of Lord Voldemort's service. Severus still didn't know quite what to think after Lucius admitted to following the man like his father did, but he knew Lucius trusted him with the truth. Why on earth would Death Eaters kill one of their own, especially from a pure blood, dark family? It didn't make sense. He remembered Regulus from school, of course. The brat was in his house, one year under, and an arrogant shit at that, for all his cowardice. No loss to the world, but his death still didn't make sense.

In January, Severus received and invitation to Lily and Potter's wedding. He ripped it into tiny pieces and then burned them. No. He couldn't do that. Even if it was petty and childish, he just couldn't deal with that. They married in mid February. Lily sent him pictures. He kept a few and ended up ripping Potter out of a few more. She'd been beautiful in her wedding dress and when her image turned and smiled at him, his heart fluttered painfully.

Severus threw himself into work. He hated most of his coworkers but the nice thing about being a potions maker was that most other potions makers were just as anti-social as he was. There were a few friends, here and there, but for the most part, none of them much cared to bother with the others. It made things so much easier.

Weeks flew by. He met with Lucius and Rosier here and there. Sometimes he wrote to Lupin. They never said much of substance, but he didn't mind. Belby sent him updates on getting the Wolfsbane potion finalized and through Ministry regulations. It was going well. They hoped to have it in use by December.

Rosier was killed in late March along with Wilkes by Aurors. The paper said the two of them had been suspected of Dark Arts activities in relation to the Death Eaters and were suppose to be brought in for questioning but became violent when the Aurors arrived. Severus doubted it. He couldn't imagine either of them attacking anyone first and besides, one of the Aurors in question was Alaster Moody. The man was a confirmed mad dog.

Wilkes' funeral was first. It was a small thing. The family wasn't prosperous. Severus stood in the rain and watched the coffin lower to the sound of Wilkes' mother sobbing into her sister's shoulder. Two days later, it was still raining when he watched Rosier's coffin. It didn't seem right that the two of them were buried away from each other. Rosier's mother was silent, as was his father. Everyone was silent. No eulogy. No tears. Absolute silence.

When it was over, Severus walked with Lucius away from the grave site. Lucius's umbrella kept the blond dry but splatters of rain found their way to Severus and joined that which he hadn't bothered to block. His heavy cloak was already soaked but he didn't care. Severus felt numb already.

They went back to Lucius's house and cast drying spells but neither spoke as Lucius led them back to a more private sun room. Not that it was all that sunny with how hard the rain fell. Severus sat down at the small, round table and watched it fall.

“They were murdered, you know,” Lucius murmured softly. Severus didn't even twitch.

“Moody,” he whispered.

“Yeah.” Lucius sighed softly, resting his head on one hand. “Father... Father is going to try and have him ousted. I'm doing the same, but I haven't gathered much power yet.”

Severus nodded a little and kept watching water droplets slid down the window. He wasn't sure how to feel about this. And at the same time, there was guilt. He hadn't felt this numb when his mother died. But Rosier and Wilkes... He'd spent seven years being friends with them. He could admit that now, that they'd been friends. He wondered if Rosier had been in pain when he died, but then realized he likely was, since Aurors didn't often use fast kills. It made him sick inside.

“Can he be discredited?”

“The man is insane. It won't be difficult.”

Severus nodded faintly. It didn't soothe him, but it was something to think about. They didn't talk much further and Severus got up to leave. Lucius walked him to the apparition point.

“Severus. Do you remember when you met Lord Voldemort?” He nodded, glancing back at the blond. “He's asked about you again. He'd like to meet with you, if you're amiable.”

“I'll think about it.”

Lucius frowned softly. “Severus. This isn't a man you make wait.”

“I know.” Severus slid his hands into his pockets. “I know that. But I can't think about it right now. After Rosier... I just...a few days. Give me a few days to think and... and recover.”

Lucius set a hand on his shoulder and Severus managed not to flinch. After a while, Severus sighed softly and then left. He went back to his flat and sat down in his tiny living room, staring at a blank wall. Two friends dead and nothing gained for it. He wanted to hunt Alaster Moody down and murder the bastard in his sleep, not that it would help anything. Severus covered his face with his hands. Damn it...

A tapping at his window caught his attention. Severus rose and opened it, receiving the owl and letter it held numbly. He gave the bird an owl treat and then opened his missive.

“SS-

I heard about Wilkes and Rosier. I know they were your friends, so I'm sorry you've lost them. If you need anything – or just to talk – I'm here for you.

-RL”

Severus frowned darkly. He should have ripped it up and sent the bird on its way... but he didn't. Instead, he found a bit of parchment and replied with the location of a muggle bar nearby. The owl headed off once he'd tied the letter in place. Severus watched it until it disappeared from him. Why the hell had he just done that...?

Still, he changed his clothing to a set of slacks and turtleneck he tended to work in. Even though they were black, they didn't quite seem like mourning clothes. He didn't feel like mourning anymore. Closing his eyes, Severus apparated near to the place, walked in, and sat down at the bar, ordering. He didn't care how long it took Lupin to get there. Hopefully, he'd be good and pissed before hand.

Barely an hour after he arrived, Severus had moved over to a booth and sat staring at a shot of whiskey he hadn't intended to pour. After the first two or three, he'd just bought the damn bottle and had been nursing it slowly since. Severus downed the shot on principle and didn't really mean to pour another, but did so anyway. And that just meant he had to take that one too.

“You're worse than I thought.”

Severus glanced up, scowling at Lupin's damnably sorry face. “Sit.”

“You could say please.” But Lupin sat down across from him anyway. He eyed the more than half empty bottle of whiskey and then the new shot Severus was staring at. “You know alcohol isn't going to help anything.”

“I know.” Didn't keep him from downing the shot, though. Lupin sighed.

“You called me out here. So talk.”

“I don't want to talk.”

Lupin lifted a brow. “You wanted a drinking buddy? I don't drink.”

“Then sit there and watch me do it.”

The other werewolf snorted but didn't look happy with it. Severus really didn't care. He rested his head on one hand and poured another shot. Maybe when the bottle was empty, he'd throw it at Lupin and see what happened. Why had he asked him to come there?

“Severus. Talk to me.”

His dark eyes flickered up to Lupin's face. Severus? Well. They were alone. It might be okay for him to be Remus for a little while.

“Rosier was murdered,” he said out of the blue and Remus sucked in a quick breath before getting that sad look on his face.

“He was a Death Eater, Severus.”

“And that makes it all right to murder him?” Severus hissed back, scowling as his grip on the shot glass tightened. “He was a human being!”

“And he'd hurt innocent people!” Remus snarled. Severus laughed.

“Evan? Hurt people? That's a lie!”

“He was wanted for counts of arson, destruction of property, violence against muggles-”

“They deserved it, the bastards!”

Remus' nostrils flared and his hands tightened on the table. “Innocent people deserved being burned alive in their own homes? Raped and tortured and murdered?”

“Muggles. Aren't. Innocent,” Severus growled as he threw back another shot. “They are an inferior, useless drain on our world that should have been erased years ago-”

“My parents are both halfbloods,” Remus murmured softly, his voice edged with a hint of violence as he glared at the other wizard. “Two of my grandparents were muggles. There are good and bad muggles, Severus just like good and bad wizards-”

“Shut the fuck up-”

“I'm not listening to your pureblood bullshit!” Remus rested his hands on the table and stood up. “I thought you were a decent person. I thought I could look past your arrogant Slytherin crap and see someone worth knowing. I don't. You're despicable.”

He left with Severus staring after him angrily. No. No, he wasn't going to be spoken to like that. Severus got up and followed him, leaving the near empty whiskey bottle behind. He stalked Remus out along the street, followed until Remus turned into an alley way to apparate in, then grabbed the other man and shoved him back against the brick of the next building. Remus snarled a warning but Severus wasn't interested in listening to it.

“You're not leaving yet,” he growled into Remus' face as the other glared right back at him.

Chapter 22
Because You Wanted To

“Let go of me,” Remus growled. Severus narrowed his eyes.

“No. Not yet. You... You can't talk to me that way. You're not allowed to-”

“Allowed? You're not my keeper, Snape! You've no say in what I can or can't do!”

Back to Snape. Fine. Severus hated the way that made his chest clenched and that just made him angrier. He shoved Lupin back harder against rain wettened brick, earning a snarl edged in slight pain and then Lupin grabbed his upper arms in a hard grip.

“What do you want from me?!” Lupin demanded.

“I don't know!” Severus roared back and then shoved him again. It hurt. Something hurt badly inside and Lupin was making it worse. It burned and churned and bled... “I don't know anything anymore! Evan is dead, you idiot! He's dead and he couldn't have deserved that. He couldn't have deserved bloody Alaster Moody! I won't believe it!”

“Damn it, Snape! Get your head out of your arse and look at reality!”

“No! You look at reality!” Severus shoved him again but this time, Lupin returned it and they stumbled across the alley until Severus' back was the one against the wall. The pain that struck up his spine was good enough to blame for how his eyes burned and the rain for his wet cheeks.

“Death Eater, Snape! A dirty, no good, selfish murderer-”

“SHUT UP!” Severus tried to hit him but Lupin grabbed his arm and pinned it down. “Damnit, Lupin-”

“No! I know he was your friend! I know you cared about him! But he did horrible things! He didn't deserve to die, but he deserved something, you stupid fool!”

Severus sagged against the brick with a ragged sob. A moment later, Lupin had him wrapped up against his chest and Severus sobbed brokenly into his shoulder. It hurt, burning through him like wildfire, and he was to drunk to bother trying to hide it. Severus clutched to Remus's jacket, fingers digging into his back as he pressed his face harder into Lupin's shoulder.

“Damn it,” he sobbed out, drawing back one hand to beat it weakly against Lupin's chest. Lupin was silent and just held him tighter.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered and Severus didn't answer. He didn't have the strength to.

Somehow, Lupin managed to get his address out of him because Severus found himself staggering beside Lupin in the rain in front of his flat. He managed to drag a key free from his pocket, not trusting himself with spell work now that it was difficult to just walk straight, and let them in. Lupin got him to his chair and Severus collapsed into it, soaking wet.

“I don't suppose you have any tea,” Lupin murmured. He sounded a little raw.

“Cupboard.”

Lupin went to the kitchen and Severus rested his head in his hands. He felt raw. Raw and exposed and strained... He barely noticed time had gone by until a hot mug was pressed into his hands. Severus took it, glaring at the swirling brown liquid. He wondered where his whiskey had gotten. He wasn't drunk enough yet, but he'd be damned if he asked Lupin for anything.

There wasn't another chair. Lupin ended up leaning against Severus' as he idly sipped from his own mug.

“I'm tired.” Severus heard Lupin shift and felt his eyes on him but he continued to stare at his tea. “I'm just... so tired. I don't know what to do. I don't know-”

His hands were shaking. Lupin straightened from the chair. Severus dropped the mug and it clattered onto the floor, spilling tea over his clean floor and rug. Then he buried his face in his hands.

“Rosier and Wilkes are gone.” He hated the vulnerable, scared sound to his voice but he could do little to change it. He heard Lupin draw in a quick, soft breath and then felt a hand on his back. “They're gone. And... And Mother, she...”

“Your mother...?” It came from in front of him but Severus couldn't manage the will to lift his head. Remus' hand was hot against his back and then slid to his shoulder, gripping. “Tell me.”

“She's dead.” In the last two years, he'd never admitted it. He'd waited, wanting to believe that Tobias had, for once, lied to him instead of telling brunt truth. That Eileen would appear before him one day with her mousy, not quite smile and her tiny hands and her flinches and trembles. Suddenly, he was in Remus' arms again, but he couldn't untangle his fingers from his own hair.

“Oh, Severus... I'm so sorry.”

“I wasn't there. I'm never there. Always...I...”

Remus held him tighter and Severus could feel breath against his hair as a weight settled on his shoulder. He shivered and his breathing hitched. Merlin, why was Remus always there at his worst?

“I-I wasn't even there to bury her...”

“Severus. It... It's all right. I'm sure she'd forgive you. You were busy- the potion- and-”

“No.” Severus finally moved, grabbing Remus' shoulder and shoving him back away from him as he straightened. His face was dry but he felt so very dead inside. Somehow, he managed to lift his gaze up to Remus' face. “She died almost two years ago.”

“Two years...?”

Severus' gaze didn't waver, through Remus' eyes widened. “We were in school. Seventh year. She died in November.”

“But..but why didn't you tell me? You suffered through that with everything-”

“No. He didn't tell me. Father. He didn't tell me until I went home.”

Remus fell silent, his gaze incredulous. Finally, Severus sighed and looked away, rubbing his forehead as he felt a slow headache coming on.

“He buried her. I wasn't...”

“Severus, that isn't your fault,” Remus said with sudden force, brows furrowed. “You can't blame yourself for that. It's not your fault he didn't tell you until so long after.”

“I should have..”

“What? Psychically felt her death? Severus, you're only human!”

Severus looked up at him, searching his eyes. Remus looked almost angry now. Angry for him or at him, he wasn't sure. But it cause a strange flutter in his belly. Remus was still talking, but Severus stopped listening, instead just watching. He watched the way Remus' eyes sparked when he was passionate about something, how his lips parted and shaped over upset words, how his face was faintly flushed with righteous anger.

He moved without thinking about it. Severus's hands fisted in the front of Remus's sweater as he dragged him in and brought an end to the torrent of words with his mouth. Lupin made a muffled sound and he felt hands at his shoulders again, but ignored them as he tilted his head, deepening the angle, and thrust his tongue deep into the other man's mouth. He could taste the faint hint of chamomile on Remus' tongue...

Remus planted both hands against Severus' chest and pushed, breaking the contact between them. Severus panted faintly, his lips tingling as he looked at the other in confusion. What? Did he do it wrong? Had he been suppose to wait until Remus did it? That's how it had been before, when they were in school. Before everything had become so very complicated. He'd always waited. Let Remus choose when and where. Let Remus start things.

“Severus, I...”

“You don't like whiskey.” It was nonsensical, really, but Severus didn't think he had much sense at that point.

“What? No. I don't mind it, but-”

“Why?”

Remus looked at him, face flushed and lips kiss bruised, then turned his head away. His hands were still firm against his chest.

“I... What happened before-”

“You regret it.”

Remus stiffened and then Severus sighed softly. Of course he did. They weren't kids anymore. It was suppose to have ended as 'nothing', not ever having the chance to be 'something'. Severus should have wondered why he cared. Instead, he leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.

“Get out.”

“Severus-”

“Just go. Please.”

He heard Remus get up and start for the door, but then things went quiet again. Severus almost thought he'd just missed the sound of the door opening, but then he heard Remus sigh.

“Sirius... I'm with him now.”

Severus said nothing, but it was like a kick in the gut. He stared at his blank wall. Behind him, Remus swallowed audibly.

“He's good to me. We're living together. We...we're in love.”

He didn't care. He didn't care. Severus stubbornly told himself that, even as he felt his heart stop and his hands tighten on the arms of the chair.

“Severus?”

“I told you to leave.”

There was silence. And then the door opened, shut, and the silence became worse. Severus stayed in his chair. He didn't think. He was tired of thinking. He was tired of hurting as well, but there seemed no end to that. His chest was tight and his lungs burned and he felt as if there were something suddenly gone from him, inexplicably stolen away. Its absence ached inside of him, a deep agony that should have killed him, but hadn't. And suddenly, what Severus had been wanting, what he'd been missing, fell into place. His eyes went wide and he drew in a sudden, hitched breath. Dear Merlin.

Of all the inane, stupid things he could have done, he'd fallen for Remus bloody Lupin.

Chapter 23
And Not Because You Had To

The next day, Severus woke with a headache and the solemn vow not to have any feelings at all for Remus Lupin. He would control this. He would manage it. Dear Merlin, as if he didn't have enough to worry about with Lily. Even thinking her name made him ache and now that ache was being echoed by thoughts of Lupin.

No. Not this time. He wasn't going to go through this again.

It wasn't as if he'd had a chance anyway. Severus remembered a conversation they'd had, before what he'd dubbed their real 'first time'. He remembered Lupin admitting to loving someone but he hadn't thought of it at the time. Had Lupin loved Black, even then? Severus sneered. Couldn't get Black to get it up for him then, so he'd come after Severus? Stupid. Stupid. He should never have fallen for it. And even if that hadn't been the case, it had been two years since they finished school. Two years to grow and change and... and fall in love.

He almost hoped they weren't in love. He hoped Black was using him because that meant Black was the bad guy. There had to be a bad guy. He needed someone to hate and he couldn't quite muster up hate for Lupin. Not yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Merlin. He'd been rejected by every person he'd ever cared about.

Severus sat down hard in his chair and tried very hard to find some logical explanation for that. There wasn't any except for his own failures. His own inadequacies. Damn it...

Somehow, he managed to make himself eat. Severus sent word to Lucius and asked to arrange for him to meet Lord Voldemort. There seemed no reason to wait. He'd listen to what the man wanted of him and then decide what to do from there. Besides, it would be nice to see Lucius again so soon. The older man was always so busy in his politics... Maybe they could have a little time to just talk. Have lunch. Something. He didn't want to be alone.

Lucius was rather prompt with his answer. Apparently, there was another of those parties that night and “their friend” would be attending. Severus barely took time to shower and dress before he apparated there. It was still late morning. Lucius met him at the apparition point and led him inside.

“Narcissa is out having a day with some of her friends,” Lucius murmured casually. “It will be just us until this evening.”

Severus nodded. That was just how he wanted it. “How are you...doing?”

“Hm?” Lucius glanced at him, searching his face. “Oh. I'm all right, Severus. I wasn't as close to them as you were. How are you holding up now? You don't seem to have had the best of nights, judging from your eyes.”

“...I may have finished off a bottle of whiskey. I'm not entirely sure.”

Lucius snorted. “Whiskey? Terrible stuff. Next time you feel the need to inebriate yourself, come here. We'll at least do it properly with something more tasteful.”

Severus heard the offer for what it was and felt rather grateful. There were times when he wondered why Lucius bothered with him, but then the blond said things like that. They went inside and had an early lunch. It was calming, easy. Lucius got him up to date. Apparently, Narcissa was pregnant and due in early June. Lucius wanted him to be the godfather. Severus was flattered, of course, and accepted with a bit of convincing.

“Excellent,” Lucius murmured when he'd finally agreed. He smiled, resting his head on one hand. “Are you seeing anyone, Sev? We'd like to choose a godmother before the baby is born. And from what Mulciber was saying, you were always sneaking about at school, so I thought perhaps...”

Severus blinked and then his chest tightened as he glanced down to the tea he'd been stirring for almost an hour.

“No,” he said softly. Lucius paused a little.

“...Don't tell me you're still hung up on that mudblood.”

“Don't call her that,” Severus growled, jaw tight. Lucius sighed and reached over, clamping a hand on his shoulder.

“Severus. That bint didn't want you. She's married now and, from what I hear, getting fat with Potter's spawn. It's time to get over that infatuation and find someone else.”

The problem, of course, was that Severus had just realized he had found someone else. And that someone else didn't want him either.

“I know,” he murmured quietly.

“Sev, I worry about you. I truly do. You're so alone.”

Lovely. He'd have to find a way to thank Lucius properly for rubbing it in. Lucius sighed and got up before grabbing Severus' hand to haul him to his feet as well.

“Come on. We're going to walk in the gardens and you'll tell me all your nasty little secrets so that I can find a proper mate for you. I'll not have one of my friends spend the rest of their life alone.”

Severus sighed but he followed him anyway. Lucius meant well, even if nearly every word out of his damn mouth made him feel worse. The flowers were lovely, even if most of them tried to reach out and snatch them up. Lucius wound a careful path through them with Severus trailing close behind.

“Has there been anyone else?” Lucius asked. “I mean, it has been years since Hogwarts, hasn't it? Perhaps a coworker. Another potions maker or the like.”

“No, none of them,” Severus murmured with a roll of his eyes. “I'd rather die than touch most of them.”

“Too much like you?” Lucius smirked and then waved a hand when Severus gave him a nasty look. “Come now. Don't tell me you've been with no one all this time.”

“Well, there was...” Severus trailed off and sighed, frowning. Damn it. He hadn't meant to spill anything to Lucius, but the blond caught the hesitation.

“Yes, go on. We don't have all day.”

“It... It started back in school.”

“Delicious, who was it?”

Severus curled his hands in his robes along his hips. “That...”

“Come now, Severus. No need to be ashamed. Even an ugly woman is better than none. At least it wasn't a man like some have taken to-”

Lucius cut himself off when Severus went absolutely silent. Gray eyes narrowed.

“Was it a man, Severus?”

He closed his eyes, frowning deeply. Merlin, how could he have been so stupid to let such a thing into the open? He jolted when he felt Lucius touch his shoulder and looked at him sharply.

“Stop that,” Lucius said harshly. “Don't you even start with that blasted self-depreciation you're so fond of. I could care less who you sleep with, Severus, as long as you're happy. And you're obviously not happy, so do tell me the bastard's name so that I can erase him from the world.”

Severus stared at him. What...?”

“Honestly, Severus, you act as if you're the only one to ever have leanings towards their own sex.”

Severus's eyes went wider but Lucius just looked at him with that same holier-than-thou expression on his face, brow raised.

“It isn't as if it will keep you from marrying some woman and reproducing later if you play around with men first. Or during, for that matter. And knowing does certainly give me the right... ahem, traits to search for.”

“I don't want to date anyone,” Severus muttered stubbornly but Lucius just snorted.

“Right. You do so love your own misery. I swear, Severus, you'd lop off your own nose to spite yourself.”

Severus rolled his eyes, folding his arms across his chest. “I didn't come here to be teased, Lucius.”

“No, you came here to try and forget your misery but every attempt I make, you rebuke.” Lucius sighed a little. Then he stepped closer and dropped an arm over Severus's shoulders, ignoring the way he stiffened. “Now. Severus. Tell me what kind of guy you like.”

His cheeks flushed but Severus just frowned. “...It's not that I like men, Lucius. Just... Just the one.”

“Oh, don't be so shy. There's nothing at all wrong with it. I mean, you're straight enough to still be after Potter's woman, so what does any of that matter?” Severus's frown deepened but Lucius just pressed on. “Come on. Tell me. We'll be like those mushy girls back in school.”

Severus briefly got an image of himself and Lucius sitting in the dorm, doing each other's nails as they gushed over such and such Quidditch player. It was enough to make him snort a bit and his spirits raised. Lucius grinned when he noticed.

“What about broad shoulders? Or do you like the fae ones? More like women, that way.”

“No. That kind annoys me...” He couldn't believe he was actually thinking about this.

“All right. Broad shoulders then. What about hair color? Blonds maybe?”

“Erm. I don't think that matters...”

“All right then. A pretty face, maybe.” Severus thought back unconsciously to Lupin. Definitely not a pretty face, but not ugly either. He shook his head a bit. “Hm. So, not like a woman? All right. Well, you'd definitely want a good body. Maybe someone smart, so they don't bore you to tears? But very sexy. The librarian type. I'm sure I can find someone like that.”

“Lucius......”

“Hush now, I'm trying to help you. Honestly.” Lucius paused and gave him a glance, looking him up and down. “I don't suppose your the... ah... submissive sort?”

“What?” Severus stared at him, a bit confused. “What's that suppose to mean?”

“Hm. How should I put it delicately... The catcher?” That just made him even more confused. What on earth...? “The bottom? The... Merlin, Severus, are you a virgin?”

Severus, red faced, said nothing. Lucius stared a bit and then a smirk broke out on his face. Then he started steering Severus right back towards the house.

“You are. How hilarious! Well. That certainly explains a few things. We're going to have to fix that, now won't we?”

Chapter 24
And Not Because You're Expected

“Lucius, where the hell are you dragging me?” Severus asked with annoyance as Lucius pulled him into the manor and continued through various hallways.

“To my bedroom, of course.”

Severus stumbled, looking at the blond's back incredulously. “Excuse me?!”

“I do recall telling you we'd fix this little problem of yours.”

“You can't be serious!"

Suddenly, Severus found himself up against a door with Lucius looming over him, gray eyes boring into him. A shiver ran down his spine. Dear Merlin, what the hell was going on?

“I am quite serious, Severus,” Lucius purred out, lifting one hand to brush along Severus's sharp jaw almost tenderly. “Whoever this man was that so enraptured you, he obviously didn't want you completely if you're still a virgin. I intend to change that.”

“But...but why?”

Lucius smiled, rather amused. “Because you're my friend, Severus, and I'd rather you have this knowledge than leave it up to someone who might injure you badly. And if you're going to lose it, it should be with someone who gives a damn about you.”

Severus stared at him and tried not to let those words hurt him. Give a damn? He'd thought Lupin had. At least some. Maybe he never had. Lucius sighed a little.

“I want to be your first, Severus... And you might as well figure out if you really do like it. Unless I'm not your type?”

“No, it's just... I... I hadn't thought of doing anything like... this.” He didn't even know what this was.

“It'll be fun, Severus. And feel very good. Surely better than whatever fumbling that buffoon offered you.”

Severus didn't remember it as fumbling. He remembered it as hot and heavy and too good and- He flushed. “Lucius...”

The blond just smiled and then started dragging him all over again. Severus stumbled behind him every few steps. Damn Lucius and his longer strides... He barely noticed they'd made it to Lucius's bedroom when there was a sudden devouring mouth upon his own. Severus jerked with surprise but Lucius was determined to get a reaction from him. It wasn't like Lupin, he drew him out with a firm resolve and patience, but more of a title wave of force. Severus trembled faintly as Lucius began at his buttons, tongue reaching deep to taste him fully. Merlin, was he really going to do this?

Severus jerked his head aside, panting. “Lucius... Lucius, stop!”

“Hush now,” Lucius murmured as he began to nibble along his neck, tugging his shirt farther open to get at more skin. Severus clenched his jaw. It felt good but so very wrong. Lucius's fingers were smooth against his skin but harsh with pressure. Severus shivered, gripping Lucius's shoulders as he tried to push him back.

“No, I can't do this, Lucius-”

“Don't fight me.” Lucius's voice was cool as he lifted his head and looked at Severus in the face. “You'll enjoy this.”

Severus tried to respond but there was suddenly a hand between his legs, squeezing and he wheezed with the strangest mix of arousal and pain. Lucius went back to devouring his throat as Severus shuddered against him. It wasn't all unpleasant, but all Severus could think about was how different his touch was to Lupin's.

Maybe he needed this. Maybe the only way to forget Lupin was to erase his touch with someone else's.

His robes pooled to the floor before Severus managed to start on Lucius's. Lucius slid hard fingers down his chest and belly, edging along the hem of his slacks before starting on them as well, just as Severus got the man's shirt open.

Don't think, he told himself, desperate to follow his own advice. Don't think...

Thin fingers wrapped around his cock before he realized his pants had been undone. Severus let out a sharp sound and Lucius chuckled against his throat as he stroked, pleased with how Severus hardened in his hand. Severus bit his lip, hands drawing down Lucius's chest to find his pants and reciprocate, but his hands were slapped away.

“Just feel,” Lucius purred at his ear before nibbling it and causing more shivers down Severus's back. “I want to show you what it can be like. How good it can be. Trust me.”

The words felt more like a silkily spoken curse than reassurance but Severus couldn't find it in himself not to respond to them. Lupin had said to him with all those kind words, all his gentle touches, all his reassurances. He'd thought he could believe in them.

Severus let Lucius strip him completely, even though his face shown with embarrassment. He let Lucius press him back onto the bed, returning the kiss when Lucius crawled over him to capture his lips. He shivered under Lucius's hands as the blond smoothed his fingers down his sides, leaving reddened marks here and there when he pressed too hard.

Lucius had never betrayed him.

Lucius did things with his mouth Lupin never had. He made Severus whine and writhe, arch and cry out. And when he urged Severus onto his belly, he went willingly. Even when it hurt, when Lucius split him down the middle and it burned and throbbed down his spine, he let it happen. Because Lucius had said to trust him and Severus wanted desperately to believe in something. Anything.

This was how men loved? This almost violent coupling... Was this what he'd wanted with Lupin? It burned inside as Lucius moved but he was soothed by the hot brush of every breath against his neck, by Lucius' hands sliding over his skin, by Lucius' softly spoken words. And the burn gave way to a deeper pleasure that nearly made up for it. Nearly. Not quite. But he was still hard and his body yearned. Severus reached between his legs to sate that need as Lucius drove ever harder and deeper into his body.

He felt the hot spill of liquid within him before he managed to join Lucius in orgasm. Then they lay still, panting. Lucius still throbbed inside him, too big, too much, and he felt a bone deep soreness. Severus closed his eyes and covered them with one hand, only slightly surprised to find them wet.

“Severus? Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just... Give me a moment.”

He felt Lucius' lips brush the back of his neck before the man carefully withdrew from him. Severus shivered and bit his lip at the uncomfortable feeling of liquid sliding along his thighs. Lucius' arms remained around him, a slight anchor for the turbulence within him.

It hadn't worked. He hadn't thought it would, either. Lupin's touch was burned into his skin.

Lucius gave him a potion for the soreness and various other little pains. They washed alone and Severus stared at his fingers when they came back bloody from between his thighs. Violent. Was everything about being human violent? Severus swallowed thickly and washed the evidence away as the potion healed him from the inside out. Erasing the evidence.

He wished it would erase it from his mind as well.

Lucius' treatment of him was exactly the same after. Severus wasn't surprised. After all, hadn't Lupin told him that one needed be loved to be wanted like that? At least Lucius gave a damn about him.

His robes would have done fine in his opinion, but Lucius insisted on something more. He ended up finding a more ornate set of robes, black thankfully, that only needed a few adjustments for Severus' leaner frame. Severus felt rather silly in them but Lucius swore he cut quite the figure. It felt vaguely uncomfortable as Lucius adjusted it here and there, hands sliding over his body. He said nothing about it, however, and just brushed out his hair, letting it drape around his neck and shoulders loose as usual.

“Never cut that, all right?” Lucius murmured with a little smile. “Short hair would look horrid with your facial structure.”

Severus lifted a brow. He doubted his facial structure would look good with anything. And for some reason, he thought about cutting his hair just to spite Lucius.

The two of them ate a light meal before the guests began arriving. Severus was sore but managed to hide it as he floated about at Lucius' side. Most of the guests were social elite and few of them had any reason to speak with him, except by proxy of Lucius. After all, as far as they were concerned, he was a lower class pure blood and they had nothing they wanted of him, so why bother? At least, as a friend of Lucius, they didn't start to giggle and gossip until they were mostly out of audible range.

Severus was used to this. It had been that way from the beginning, since he started accepting Lucius' invitation. He used to wonder if Lucius did it to feel superior, but that felt petty and stupid. Frankly, he doubted Lucius really thought that far. Instead, it seemed he was there for Lucius to impart amusing criticisms of the surrounding pure bloods to. A few times, Severus had to use every bit of his willpower not to burst out laughing.

Narcissa joined them later in the night. Severus almost felt guilty and awkward, thinking back to what he'd done with Lucius, but then realized that her escort was far too close to her side and treated her with far too much regard to be a simple friend. It wouldn't be the first loveless marriage he'd heard of among the social elite... Narcissa was very round with child but had robes tailored so perfectly that the mound only accentuated her. She smiled beautifully and didn't seem to mind his inquiries about her health and that of her child. She was quite pleased to find out that he'd agreed to be godfather and he thought her smile was rather sincere.

When she finally went off again with her escort, Lucius watched her with a strange look on his face.

“That's my heir,” he said quietly. Severus glanced at him, intrigued by the oddly gentle tone in his voice.

“Lucius?”

The blond blinked a little, then smiled. “Oh, don't mind me. I'm thinking of grandiose things that you'd never care about. Shall I get us more wine?”

He was gone with the empty glasses before Severus could stop him. Severus sighed a little, folding his arms over his chest. He inched his way out of the crowd Lucius had left him within, then rested more comfortably at the fringe, back pressed securely against one intricately wallpapered wall. Severus preferred being on the outside. He liked watching the strange dance of fake smiles and veiled comments, seeing the little secret partnerships here and there, then the more public alliances. The pure bloods acted like visiting dignitaries. In a way, he supposed they were.

“Hello, Severus Snape. It's good to see you again.”

Severus jumped a little, turning his head quickly. He hadn't heard anyone approach! Standing beside him, leaning back against the wall as he did, was Lord Voldemort. Two years had changed him. He still exuded that same dangerous charisma and dark beauty, but he was aging and there was faint strain around his reddish brown eyes. Whatever he'd been up to, it was taking a toll on him.

“I don't suppose you've thought about my offer these last few years...?”