Entry tags:

angst, complete, fanfic, lupin, mirror, sex, slash, snape, snupin

The Other Side of the Mirror 4
Title: The Other Side of the Mirror
Word Count: 62,542
Rating: NC17
Pairing: RL/SS, RL/SB, SS/LE(one sided), SS/LM
Content: Abuse, Anal, Angst, Bi, H/C, HJ, Language, M/M, N/C, Oral, Tort, Violence, WD
Summary: In sixth year, Remus Lupin nearly killed Severus Snape in wolf form. Miraculously, Severus escaped unharmed. But what if he hadn't?

1-4 5-8 9-12 13-16 17-20 20-24 25-28 29-33



Chapter 13
So That One Day

Severus was decidedly not going to be gay. It was all well and good for Rosier and maybe Wilkes, but not Severus bloody Snape. He had no illusions of whether or not his father would beat him bloody or dead. Ugh. Besides, he couldn't be a fag. He loved Lily Evans to the bounds of his soul. Therefore, it had just been a silly daydream. Nothing more. He'd make it nothing more. One little fantasy certainly wasn't enough to change his entire sexual orientation.

Except it wasn't just one little fantasy. As the first week dragged on, Severus found himself bombarded at random with sudden arousal. Unfortunately, it tended to happen more around Lily, which embarrassed the ever living hell out of him. He wanked more often and harder than he had in his life.

The full moon that next weekend was almost a welcomed relief. Surely, this mad rush of hormones would leave him the bloody hell alone as a beast. In his need to escape the unwelcomed bursts of arousal, he forgot that Lupin would be there as well.

Severus jolted a bit when he spied the boy, who went very still and stared at him. After a bit, Lupin went back to the bedroom without either of them speaking. Severus undressed and waited for the moon to change him. Surely, he wouldn't have to deal with these damned hormones as a beast.

The change came rapidly and for once, Severus didn't mind the pain. His body shifted and contorted and finally, the wolf stood and stretched his aches away. There was a need in him, a great, sucking need to mate. He could smell her. Even this far away, he could smell her and she was ready and it was time. He had to mate now or it would be too late. As the black wolf whined and barked and scratched at walls, desperate to find a way out, the brown wolf suddenly pounced. They tumbled and rough housed and bit the crap out of each other. In the intervals between, the black wolf continued trying to find freedom and failed, only to be pounced once more. He almost hated his pack leader for getting in his way.

Severus woke to a soft gasp. He opened his eyes, lifting his head from the pillow of his folded arms, and scowled at Lupin. The shorter boy stared, his cheeks pinked.

“What?” Severus snarled at him. Lupin jumped, eyes redirecting to his face.

“Ah. Nothing.” And then Lupin fled to the bedroom.

Severus scowled and got up, and then he shuddered. What the- for the love of Merlin! He glared down at the inappropriateness of his anatomy and took care of it with clinical preciseness. Hormones be damned, couldn't he ever catch a break?!

He dressed and thankfully, Lupin didn't come out until Madam Pomfrey came to fetch them. She fixed them up and sent them off. Before Severus could get far, Lupin grabbed his arm and even through his shirt sleeve, that firm pressure made him shiver. Severus ripped his arm free and gave Lupin the nastiest glare he could manage.

“What do you what?”

“To apologize,” Lupin replied meekly, glancing away as he scratched at the back of his neck. “For...before.”

Severus scowled and folded his arms over his chest with defensive tightness. “And what do you think you did wrong? I want you to know exactly why I'm angry with you.”

Lupin pursed his lips, but he didn't seem all that surprised. He thought about it a bit, then answered. “For talking behind your back. And insinuating your family would...”

“You were wrong.”

“Yes.”

Severus nodded a bit, satisfied, but that didn't mean he had to let Lupin off the hook. He was still angry about it. “Fine. You've apologized. Now apologize further by leaving me the hell alone.”

Lupin glanced at him and looked like he was about to say something, but he thought better of it and closed his mouth, merely nodding instead. That done, Severus left him be and went to recover in his dorm room.

The horrible prevalence of arousal finally staved off a day or so after that. Severus gave whispered thanks to whatever deities or wizards that might be watching over him. Now that that was over with, he could get to his studies, whatever that had been

Dumbledore called him into his office farther into September. Severus felt a bit nervous, but he hadn't done anything wrong. Even Potter and his idiots hadn't bothered him much. He hated to think that was Lupin's doing. There was nothing he wanted less than to be in the other's debt.

“Ah, Severus, my boy,” Dumbledore greeted warmly as he waved to a chair. Severus sat but he declined the offered lemon drop. “Now then. I've been looking over your grades from the last year and I've decided to offer you...specialized training.”

Severus frowned, instantly suspicious. When had Dumbledore ever given a damn about him before?

“What kind of training?”

“I'm sure at some point, considering your high marks in Defense Against the Dark Arts, you've come across an ability known as 'Legilimency',” Dumbledore replied and for once, the man wasn't smiled. “I understand that you've stated in your career survey that you wish to become an Auror after Hogwarts if you are unable to secure apprenticeship towards a Mastery in Potions.”

Severus blinked a little. Mentioning such a rare skill at seeming random, and then his career choices in the same thought? The frown returned. What could that possibly have to do with anything?

“...I have come across it,” Severus admitted after a moment or so. “And yes, I do have notions towards becoming an Auror...But what does the first have to do with the second?”

Dumbledore looked at him and for a moment, Severus wondered very suddenly if the old man knew far more than he'd ever let on before. It was a common theory that Dumbledore could read minds-

“You're a Legilimens,” the boy murmured in faint surprise. In retrospect, it wasn't surprising at all.

“Yes, my boy. I am.” Dumbledore folded his hands on his desk and looked at Severus steadily with that same seriousness that almost scared him. “Legilimens are taught by other Legilimens. There is no other way to get the training.”

“Are you offering..?”

“In a way.” Dumbledore sighed a little. “More correctly, I am offering to teach you the other side, Occlumency, but in doing so, you will learn Legilimency at the same time.”

Severus stared. The power to wrap his mind in a defensive shroud and to delve into the minds of others...? It was an awesome responsibility and Dumbledore trusted him...? “How...Why?”

“Because I have a feeling in my bones it may be needed.” Dumbledore smiled but it wasn't pleasant at all. “I have lived this long following my instincts, Severus. Now is no different. Will you accept the training? It will not be easy and you will not enjoy it. In subjecting yourself, you will allow me entrance into your thoughts, your feelings, your memories. And I will attack them continuously.”

The Slytherin swallowed thickly, feeling shaky at the very idea. But even at such a cost, could he really give up the opportunity to show himself as worthy of Dumbledore's attention...?

“You don't have to decide now-”

“Yes.”

Dumbledore looked at him, silent and solemn.

“Yes. I'll do it. When do we start?” Severus sounded quite a bit more steady and strong than he actually felt. It was terrifying, the idea of anyone invading his mind so blatantly, but he would do it. At least Dumbledore would never use that knowledge against him. At least after, no one else would be able to do it, either.

They set up a schedule quickly enough and then Severus left with his heart in his throat. By Merlin, just what had he agreed to? The schedule would be murderous along with his class load. Before anything else, he happened to pass the Gobstone team captain and quit. Graham wasn't happy with him, but there was little he could do about it. Besides, just because Severus had quit didn't mean the other brilliant members wouldn't bring them to victory in the next match. He shook Severus' hand, wished him luck in his studies, and then strode off with dignity.

Severus spent the next hour hyperventilating in an empty hallway when the real severity of what he'd just agreed to hammered home. He shook, sweat, fretted... Eventually, he managed to pull himself out of it and really think.

Dumbledore was sure enough the ability would be needed that he'd teach it, and Severus doubted he'd gotten permission from the Ministry. Legilimency was strictly controlled by the Ministry for the very reason Severus feared it so. But for a man like Dumbledore, who had so much lose, to circumvent governmental policies...

He really, really hoped Dumbledore was wrong, if only for what it meant to him personally. Dumbledore expected him to need to cloud his mind. Or perhaps he was the only one Dumbledore thought would succeed in the training? He doubted it. After all, Phineas Abernathy had beaten him overall in scores. What if it was just what subjects he excelled in? Again, doubtful. He'd only beaten out in Potions, Defense, and Ancient Runes. There had to be more to the decision...

...Or did there? Perhaps it had been arbitrary. Somehow, that didn't fit with a man like Albus Dumbledore, but there was the possibility. In the end, Severus realized he was beginning to grasp at straws and decided to let it go for now. Later, when he'd spent more time with the man, he'd find out.

The lessons began at the end of the week and they were easy, at first. Dumbledore taught him various meditation exercises. He didn't need any help in controlling his emotions. Years as a Snape and Slytherin had cemented that nicely. Clearing his mind was much more difficult. Severus thought constantly, an endless stream of experiences, reactions, counter-reactions. A week of meditation for hours after classes and homework and he'd gotten the basic trick down, but maintaining it proved the harder of the two.

And then the unwanted, completely unwarranted arousal returned a week before October's full moon. It was nearly impossible to concentrate past it and Dumbledore cut the sessions short for now, urging him to practice on his own when his body wasn't rebelling so fully. With the second occurrence, Severus figured out what was wrong. Lupin had warned him of the heat, reacting to female ovulation hormones, but he hadn't really believed it at the time. And now, it confused him why he wasn't bombarded by it at all times, since there was no logical way every fertile female in Hogwarts would be ovulating at the same time.

Severus tracked Lupin down, loathe as he was to be in the other boy's presence. He found him with Potter and was quite unsurprised at that fact. Lupin was rarely alone. As he came up to them in the library, he noted Potter's immediate change in scent in reaction to perceived aggression and the thrill of a perceived fight. Severus had thought it annoying in the beginning that when his sense of smell heightened in the days before and directly after the full moon, but he'd grown to appreciate it when his enemies broadcasted their feelings so easily.

“Lupin. A word.”

Potter almost snarled something but Lupin touched his shoulder and got up, wordlessly following Severus deeper into the library so that they wouldn't be overheard.

Chapter 14
You Feel Human

As soon as they were alone, Severus grabbed the front of Lupin's robes and shoved th other boy up against the closest bookshelf.

“When. Does. This. Stop?!”

Lupin blinked a bit but the faintest draw of scent was all he needed to know exactly what was wrong with Severus. And then he blushed, the bastard.

“Snape, it's..”

“Annoying. Unnecessary. Embarrassing, Pick one.”

“All of them?” Lupin managed lamely. “..When did it start?”

“Three days ago. Three bloody days and it's worse than the first time. It's worse every day.”

Lupin blinked a little. “It shouldn't be worse.”

“It is. The dreams and then around her-” Severus cut himself off, fingers tightening in the front of Lupin's robes as he looked away with near pain at just how humiliating that was. Anytime he got near Lily, it was all he could do not to throw the girl down and take her right then and there and so close to the moon, he could smell her nearly across the castle.

“Around Lily.”

“Yes.”

Lupin swallowed a little. “You really are in love with her, aren't you?”

“No. Of course not. Where did you get that idea?” Severus snarled at him sarcastically, all teeth and curled lips. He felt Lupin tense at such aggression but he didn't really care.

“That's why. You want to mate with her.”

Severus blinked and then snorted because that wasn't funny at all. Frankly, he felt a bit hysterical.

“How do I make it stop?!”

“You can't,” Lupin replied bluntly, looking back at him without a bit of hesitation. “When she's...er..”

“Fertile.”

“Yeah. When she's... like that. You'll react.”

“Every month?”

“Every month you're near her or where she's been.”

Lupin's face was beet red. Severus let him go and then slumped back against the bookshelf behind him. There wasn't a way to stop this. How the hell was he suppose to deal with these feelings, this alien insistence? Would he have to avoid her every month when this went on, much as his body yearned for her?

“What about you?”

Lupin blinked. “What?”

“The heat?” Severus pressed, giving the other boy a scowl. “Do you... does it..”

“No.” Lupin shrugged a bit, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “It doesn't affect me much. Sometimes it doesn't at all. Depends on the werewolf.”

“How bloody lucky for you.”

Severus wanted to hit him. Lupin had the grace to look apologetic. Lifting a hand, Severus covered his eyes and clenched his jaw.

“It's not that bad-”

“Shut up, Lupin.”

Lupin shut his mouth with an audible click as Severus glared at him through his fingers. If Lupin didn't react, he didn't understand at all. It was so hard, keeping himself under control, staying just far enough that the temptation wasn't too great, the sleeplessness, the spontaneous erections. He could barely stand it all.

Severus left soon after. There wasn't anything Lupin could do, though Lupin had promised to find a way to help. Severus sincerely doubted he'd find anything, the useless mutt.

Lily found him a day or so later and asked if he'd help her study for her Herbology test. He agreed without thinking about it and it was only after, when he was heading back to his dorm, that he realized his folly. Damn it. He'd managed to avoid being alone with her since the second heat started, for it was far easier to control his urges when there were others around, but he just couldn't say no when she asked for his help. Heat or not, he'd do anything for her. Merlin help him.

Severus awoke antsy and itching with the distant moon. He went through his classes distractedly, all the while worrying over that evening. Thankfully, no one cared enough about his distraction to bother him. There was an outburst during Defense Against the Dark Arts, but the professor had been asking for it when he decided to do a dueling lesson. Avery's arm would heal just fine, though.

At dinner, Severus was so nervous he could barely get a thing down. Rosier gave him a worried look, but he didn't press. After, Severus gathered his book bag and headed down to the classroom he and Lily generally studied in.

As soon as he entered the room, he knew this was a very, very bad idea. Lily sat at a table, books already strewn about, but looked up and smiled at him when he stepped through the door. Her scent washed over him in an instant and he barely hid a shiver. Somehow, he managed to answer her smile with one of his own, weak as it might have been, and then sat across from her. Maybe the table between them would help things.

Studying was hard enough in the beginning, but as the minutes passed, it became almost impossible. His eyes kept flickering up and tracing over her long lashes, elegant nose, the ruby red of her lips... When she absently licked those lush lips, he almost moaned. His pants constricted painfully around his swollen length. If there was a hell, this was it. At least, that's what he thought before she reached up and loosened her collar, undoing one or two buttons, and he could see the barest edge of soft mounds-

That was it.

Severus didn't even realize he'd moved until he was suddenly kissing her, one hand on the table as he leaned over it and the other curled around the back of her neck. She gave a noise of surprised and her lips parted. Severus immediately took the unintentional opening to deepen things, even as he felt her hands at his chest, pushing him away. He couldn't stop.

And then hands grabbed him and dragged him from her. Severus yelled but strong arms wrapped around him and he heard someone telling Lily to leave. She bolted for the door and he tried to go after her. The strong scent of her, of his own arousal, it wasn't enough to mask his pack leader – Damn you Lupin!

Severus managed to break free and made a move for the door, only to find himself suddenly bodily pinned to it. He rebelled, snarling with rage, and then sucked in a hard breath when there was suddenly a hand on his junk and all he could do was shudder. Lupin's hot breath his his throat as he palmed him through his pants and the musky scent of arousal wasn't just his own anymore. Severus bit his lip hard enough to taste blood, nails digging into the door. Lupin was hot and strong behind him and his hand moved against him to cause delicious friction he couldn't get enough of.

“Severus,” Lupin whispered, faint and breathy and almost wet, “Severus, I'm sorry.”

And then his pants were being opened and a hand ferreted inside, bypassing his boxers entirely. All Severus could managed was a whimpered groan as thicker fingers wrapped around his cock and stroked. He couldn't breath and his hips jerked without control. He was consumed with want and need and oh Merlin, it felt so good.

Lupin's other hand was at his chest, dragging his robes open. They fell from his shoulders and then buttons were pulled open before he felt rough, calloused fingers against his bare skin. Severus groaned aloud as one brushed across his nipple and a slight jolt of pleasure went straight to his groin. His heart pounded in his ears but he could hear every shift of fabric, Lupin's panted breath against his ear, the wet noise of Lupin's hand moving over his flesh. Pinned up against him, he could feel Lupin hard and heavy against his backside and Lupin's hips moving against his own. He didn't give a damn what Lupin was up to, as long as he didn't stop.

Severus jolted with a wail when Lupin's thumb brushed the blunted head of his arousal, teasing the slit with the next pass. He pressed his cheek against the door, eyes shut tightly as he gasped for breath. Nimble fingers found his nipples and harassed them thoroughly ans Severus whimpered. Too much, too good, oh Merlin...

And then he was coming in hot, hard spurts, his entire body shuddering as his hips jerked and fucked Lupin's fist frantically. He felt Lupin's mouth come down on the juncture between throat and shoulder and he cried out as Lupin bit down. It should have hurt but it didn't and it was so good, so good...

Severus half collapsed against the door with only the pressure of Lupin's body keeping him there. He panted and shook, eyes closed tightly so he didn't have to ruin the moment by realizing just what he'd done. Vaguely, he felt warm wetness as Lupin's tongue laved over the bruising bite, but he was too strung out to care.

“Severus-”

“Shut up, Lupin,” he murmured weakly to cut off that whispered voice. Lupin fell silent and didn't move, breathing against his throat. For a while, that was the only sound Severus heard once Lupin had pulled his hand from inside his shirt and slacks.

This was too much to think about. Severus was bone tired of thinking.

“Thank you.”

He felt Lupin stiffen a bit behind him, drawing in a swift breath.

“..I almost... I...”

“It's okay.” Severus wanted to believe that, so he didn't push Lupin from him as the Gryffindor wrapped his arms around him, hugging him firmly to that strong chest as he buried his face against Severus's shoulder. Lupin was still hard and it dug against his buttock, but he didn't care about that. Lupin's grip was firm and warm and comforting, and Severus didn't want him to let go.

“It's not. It's so not. If you hadn't come..” He didn't think he'd have taken no for an answer.

“I did. I had to. I always will. It's okay.”

Severus gave a shivery breath and finally opened his eyes. He let Lupin hold him for a long while before finally pulling away to fix his clothes, tucking his spent length back inside. Merlin. He didn't want to think about this. Any of it.

Chapter 15
And Not Worthless

The full moon that night was little comfort. However, when Black, Potter, and Pettigrew showed up and revealed themselves as animagi, Severus spent the night fighting with Black and Potter and trying to eat Pettigrew with Lupin getting in the middle of things to make sure he didn't kill any of strange animals he'd come to think of as pack. The Marauders left that morning with far more bruises and bites than they'd expected and a higher appraisal of their foe.

Tired and worn as he was, Lupin swore to talk to Lily. Severus doubted he would be able to do much. Not after what Severus had almost done to her. Every time he thought about it, he felt sickened.

He and Lupin didn't talk about what happened between then. Severus wanted very much to forget about it, no matter how many times his dreams turned to the hot, heavy sound of Lupin's breathing or the rough feel of his fingers on his skin. The bruised bite on his shoulder managed to heal in a day or so.

It was only later Severus found out what Lupin had meant when he said he'd had to come when Severus had acted against Lily. Another wolf thing, the inability for a pack leader to let any wolf but himself mate. It hadn't meant anything more than that. In a way, Severus was relieved. But mostly he was just ashamed of himself.

He was more ashamed of himself when he saw Lily a few days after. He stopped dead in the hallway as their eyes met. Hers widened and then she gave him a weak, insincere smile before darting off. He'd lost her. He'd well and truly lost her and it devastated him. Rosier found him later, hunched over a toilet in the third floor bathroom. He didn't say anything, but he held Severus as he shook and gagged and cried, rubbing his back and just being there. Severus was too miserable to even snap at him like usual.

All Severus could do after was throw himself fully into his studies. He took up the Occlumency lessons again, meditating almost religiously. When he thought of Lily or of what Lupin had done with him, he turned from it and pushed both to the edges of his mind, locking them away. He couldn't deal with either issue, so he ignored them and went on. It worked and before Halloween, they'd started on the practical. Distancing himself so much from Lily and she working to do the same even kept the heat from bothering him too much. Meditation helped as well.

Dumbledore was a brutal teacher. Once he'd taught Severus the basics of counteracting an attack, he invaded his mind with such force that it physically threw Severus to the ground. Over and over, Dumbledore attack and Severus failed to fight him off. The headmaster dredged up the worst of memories, playing through them while Severus begged him to stop and swarmed at him with every bit of power he could muster. It felt like rape, even if he knew Dumbledore held no ill will. In a way, the whole thing was like justified punishment.

It seemed as if he were making no process at all, but Dumbledore congratulated him after each session and told him he was doing very well. He gave him new exercises to do on his own time and a few books to read. Severus plowed through with as much dedication as he gave his normal lessons.

Severus managed to distract himself well into November, when he finally started being able to fight off Dumbledore's attacks, minimally. Fighting left him even more exhausted than just enduring. What kept him going was the need to succeed, the need to be victorious, the need to have Dumbledore tell him he'd mastered that rare art... That he'd been worthy to learn it.

Lucius sent an invitation to spend the Christmas hols with him. Severus accepted. After all, Dumbledore had made it clear they were be taking a break from the lessons for the holiday and there was nothing else to keep him. Severus wrote to his father to tell him of the arrangement and received no response, just as he'd expected. He wondered how his mother was doing. Maybe she'd spoken. He hoped she had.

An unexpected side effect of the Occlumency training was he found himself having slight better control of his urges during Lily's monthly heat as time went on. They tended to happen around the full moon, which heightened his senses so much that he could scent her fully across the campus, follow her trail from room to room if he felt like it, but it was easier to ignore the need to go to her. It didn't make it go away entirely, but it was more...bearable and he could expect it better. Especially when they had their one class together. Of course, he kept remembering the wide eyed, almost frightened look she'd given him. It was the best thing to keep him away. Too bad he hadn't had this training before.

With Dumbledore's lessons coming to a halt, Severus suddenly had free time after the normal school hours. He tried to use them to meditate once his homework was done, but more often, he found himself wandering. He steered clear of his own housemates as much as possible. Rosier kept watching him closely when he was around and he got the feeling it was from worry more than any suspicion. Wilkes and Avery either didn't care or didn't notice, but the latter was equally annoying with his grumbled comments and generally bad mood. And the younger years... Well. They just didn't know when to shut up and leave things alone.

December's full moon was the same as November's and October's had been. Lupin's friends showed up, transformed, and Severus did his damnedest to kill and/or eat them. It should have been a stress relief but it really wasn't. He left the shack feeling just as moody and grouchy as before.

Severus hadn't gotten any better days later when Lupin tracked him down and dragged him unceremoniously into an empty classroom.

“What the hell, Lupin?!” Severus snarled out, finally ripping his arm free of Lupin's grasp as the door closed behind them.

“You need to talk to Lily,” was the quiet but strangely firm reply. Severus grit his teeth.

“I'm not going near her. Not after I-” He choked. Even months after, he remembered every moment and felt sickened. “I can't.”

“Look. If you don't talk to her, if you don't resolve this, you'll regret it forever.”

Lupin reached over and took his shoulder, giving it a short squeeze. Severus glared at him.

“I already regret it. Don't you realize how much I regret it?! I love her, damn it! Even if she never accepts it, I will always love her!”

Lupin narrowed his eyes. “Then stop being a coward and go talk to her.”

“Fuck you,” Severus snarled out, jerking back from Lupin's grip. “Like you'd ever understand-”

“Why are you so quick to think you're the only one who has ever been in love and made stupid mistakes?” Lupin shot back in a quiet, calm voice that left Severus without a foothold. “I'm not all that surprised. You've had to survive thinking only of yourself for a long time, haven't you?”

“You-”

“Shut up and listen to me, Snape.”

And, miraculously, Severus did, more from shock than anything else. Lupin stepped closer and Severus retreated on instinct until his back hit near the door and Lupin's hand rested near his head against the wall. Severus blinked a bit at the sudden close quarters. Lupin seemed so... big. He knew, logically, that he was the taller of the two, but Lupin had never been quite this intimidating before. Brown eyes looked more gold as Lupin glared at him.

“You,” Lupin growled out as he jabbed Severus in the chest, “need to get your head out of your arse. There are other people around, there are bigger problems, and the world does not revolve around you and your inadequacies.”

Severus could do little but stare. And notice that Lupin's scent was suddenly... very, very attractive. And not quite right, but it was far enough from the moon that his senses were starting to dull and he couldn't pick out very little thing from them.

“How do you think Lily feels?” Lupin pressed. “Her best friend went after her with no warning and then refused to talk to her after she ran away. She misses you, Snape. She misses her friend.”

“I can't be her friend!” Severus finally shot back, gritting his teeth. Scent... something important, but he didn't have time to think about it just now. “I can't be trusted near her. Damn it, Lupin, I'm trying to do whats best for her!”

“No. You're trying to do what's easiest,” Lupin murmured in a softer, colder voice as he pressed in closer and Severus' back went flat against the wall.

“Like you would know!”

Lupin paused. And then he laughed and it was not a pleasant sound at all. “Oh. Trust me, Snape. I know intimately.”

Severus felt a sudden flush to his face as he stared and immediately flashed back to the last time Lupin had cornered him like this. He could feel Lupin's breath on his face and he was so close. His scent was engulfing him. And there was something else, something he really, really needed to pay attention to because it was important and right there, but he couldn't.

And then Lupin's other hand lifted and placed on the other side of Severus' head as he took another step that brushed faintly between Severus' legs, bringing them nearly touching along their trunks. Severus closed his eyes tightly, lips pursed.

“Lupin-”

“Talk to her, Snape. She needs you and master of control you've shown yourself to be, you will be there for her and you will control yourself in her presence.”

Severus was too warm. His heart had quickened at some point and his mouth felt dry. His hands curled tightly at his hips. His breathing had gone ragged.

“Snape?”

He managed to open his eyes and look back at Lupin, watching concern flow into the usually kind face as the shorter boy took in his state. And then a faint flush came to Lupin's cheeks.

“Oh hell.”

“Shut. Up.”

Severus didn't even know why it was happening this time but after a few moments, Lupin leaned just enough to bring them tight, chest to chest, and Severus let out a quiet, breathy sigh as he shut his eyes again. He felt Lupin's breathing quicken and turned his head, only to hear Lupin growl and it went straight to his groin as Lupin's face pressed straight to his shoulder.

“Merlin, I'm sorry,” Lupin murmured and Severus felt his hands move and rest on his hips as they remained pressed together. Severus could hear Lupin's breathing quicken and then Lupin shifted and it was all Severus could do not to groan as that put pressure against the enlarging problem between his legs.

“L-Lupin, she's not...She's not here, why am I- ah..”

Lupin had shifted again, a knee between his legs and firm pressure and Merlin, it felt good, but this was so wrong. Severus shivered and grabbed on to the other boy's shoulders, needing the handhold.

“I'm sorry, I didn't think-” Lupin was muttering stupidly as Severus tried desperately to calm his breathing and his body.

Dear Merlin, why was he reacting like this now?! Lily wasn't even-

A noise, movement over Lupin's shoulder. And then he saw her. Across the room. Staring from inside a half open cabinet. Fuck.

Chapter 16
And Not Useless

Lily.

Lily was there.

Lily had heard. She was seeing... seeing this, whatever this was, whatever Lupin was doing. He could smell her all over the room now that he was paying attention, now that Lupin wasn't distracting him.

He couldn't breathe.

Somehow, Severus managed to rip himself from Lupin's grip and the pressure of Lupin's body. He made a dash for the door and managed to get his hand on the knock before his legs were kicked out from under him and he fell hard with a grunt. A strong hand caught the back of his uniform and jerked. Severus cried out, but Lupin caught an arm around his throat and hauled him back against his own body.

“No more running!” Lupin snarled out as Severus tried to rip free of his arm. It wasn't tight enough to keep him from breathing, but he was having enough trouble with the way his heart pounded and his lungs seemed so small. Lupin secured his arm with the other, pinning him affectively there on his knees against Lupin's chest.

“Let go!” Severus choked out, tearing at his skin, but Lupin wouldn't budge. In the edge of his vision, Severus could see Lily climbing free of the cabinet and rising. “Let go! You bastard, don't you understand?! Let go!”

“You're not running this time, Snape.” Lupin's voice had dropped, quiet and dark along his neck and Severus shuddered with hopelessness. “She needs this. You need this. So get your head out of your arse and stop being a coward.”

Severus grit his teeth but his eyes fell onto Lily and watched as she slowly, cautiously approached. Her green eyes were wide, face slightly pale. Merlin, she was so beautiful. Severus trembled and swallowed the growing lump in his throat. She was so beautiful and he'd hurt her, he'd attacked her, and-

Lily knelt down in front of him, close enough to touch if he reached out. He didn't, hands tightening on Lupin's arm.

“Severus,” she whispered. He swallowed again, unable to speak. Her face turned with concern and then a deep sympathy that would have angered him on anyone else. Hesitantly, she lifted her hand and reached out, brushing her fingertips down his cheek. Severus flinched, shutting his eyes tightly because he couldn't turn away. So close. So close and he wanted her so very badly. She made a noise and drew her fingers back before murmuring so softly, “Is it painful?”

Yes. No. He didn't know where to start.

“Severus,” she called again and he opened his eyes, staring at her with a torrent of fear, want, longing, and sorrow mixing within him. He didn't know what to feel. Lily swallowed. “...I'm sorry. I sorry I can't... that I can't return your feelings. You're my best friend, Severus. I never wanted to hurt you like this.”

Somehow, that hurt even more but he couldn't even be angry with her.

“Please don't shut me out. I know it must be painful, but please...” She touched his hand and it twitched and grew warm under her fingers. “You can fight the moon's influence. We don't have to stop talking completely. We don't have to stop being friends.”

“Lily,” he rasped somehow through the tightness in his throat. “I... I don't..want to hurt you,”

And then she smiled and it nearly broke him completely.

“Oh, Severus...” Both hands rose to his face and he flinched again as they settled against his cheeks, smooth and warm. She leaned up and pressed her soft lips to his forehead. “It's okay. You don't have to worry about that. It's okay now... I can protect myself. You won't hurt me.”

He shivered and then sagged against Lupin, who let up some of the pressure. He wondered if she had any idea what she was doing to him, how it made him feel. The burn and the shame and the lust. Was he such a masochist that he couldn't give her up and release himself from this?

Severus saw Lily exchange a glance with Lupin but he didn't care. He felt drained and heavy and even the pulse of arousal was minimal in the face of his emotional exhaustion. He didn't want to deal with this anymore.

Lily pet his cheeks and then drew back. He shivered at the lack of touch but couldn't quite look at her anymore.

“...Come talk to me,” she said softly. “When you're okay and I'm not... tempting you.”

That was a nice way of saying it, he supposed. After a hesitation, when he didn't answer, she got up and left. Lupin gradually released him but neither of them moved once Severus let his head slump forward.

“Are you okay?” Lupin asked tentatively.

“No.”

Lupin sighed a bit and then began to rub his back. Severus didn't care enough to make him stop and honestly, it was actually a bit comforting. Comforting as anything could be at that point.

“I can listen if you want to-”

“No.” There were surely worse things than unloading his troubles on the other werewolf, but Severus couldn't think of any at that moment. “I just... I don't want to talk. Ever. I just want to stop talking.”

“Okay.” Lupin was still rubbing his back.

“I want to stop talking.” Severus dropped his head further, one hand lifting up to cover his eyes. Then it dragged into his hair, gripping tightly. The faint sting along his scalp was almost welcome. “I want to stop talking. I want to stop talking. I want to stop talking-”

He gasped and went rigid when Lupin folded him up in his arms. His heart was beating fast again and his lungs felt on fire and he was pretty terrified he might be crying. Lupin's cheek rested against his back, just under his neck and his arms were warm and firm and Severus just couldn't keep himself together. He was so pathetic.

Thank Merlin Lupin didn't say anything.

Miraculously, it was somehow better after that. Severus managed to scrape up some scrap of dignity and flee without really fleeing. About a week and a half later, he managed a short, awkward conversation with Lily. He and Lupin didn't talk, of course, but when they passed in the halls, Severus didn't quite feel the overpowering need not to acknowledge the other boy.

And then the hols came about. Severus left with the train and then apparated from the platform to Lucius's house. The blond aristocrat was there to meet him but a little tired, so they did little that first day. The relaxation was rather nice, at any rate. Through the two weeks of holiday, Lucius was in and out at random intervals, generally rather tired when he came back. At one point, he was shaking so badly that Severus had to help him get to bed. He tried to ask what had happened but Lucius silenced him before the words could come out. It wasn't anything to worry over, things were fine, we'll do something fun tomorrow...

By the end of it, Severus was more worried about his friend than he could ever remember before. He left for Hogwarts because he had to, but made Lucius swear he would come to him if he needed help. It took a little wheedling down, but the blond finally agreed and Severus felt a little better. Not much, but a little.

The Occlumency lessons started up as soon as he got back. Dumbledore drilled him hard and when Severus was finally free to drag himself to bed, he slept deeply. There were nightmares, often conjured by the very memories Dumbledore sought to invade, but Severus was determined. He'd beat this. He'd make his mind impenetrable.

A breakthrough came in mid February. Dumbledore taught him the basics of Legilimency so that he could attack the old man's mind and see just how Dumbledore's shields dragged together to become so very strong. After that, it was a matter of mimicry and then devising his own shields when Dumbledore bipassed those.

Most wizards wouldn't bother trying to get farther than the first player, but Dumbledore seemed adamant that Severus create more protections. Together, they figured out dozens of ideas and tried them all as the weeks passed. Severus was rather happy with his development for once, especially when Dumbledore told him he was progressing faster than he had himself. That day, Severus even gave Lupin a little half smile when the werewolf greeted him. Lupin blinked in surprise and smiled back but Severus noticed him giving him an odd look afterward.

Severus didn't care. He was too busy to care. NEWTs were on the horizon. Dividing his time between Occlumency and school work wasn't too hard, but it kept him busy almost all the time. Even on the day after a full moon, after only a few hours of restful sleep, Severus would be back to his studying.

Early March, he got a letter from Damocles Belby. Severus stared at it over the breakfast table as Rosier leaned over to find out what it was. He opened it, mouthed the words as he read it, and then drew in a swift breath. Belby was accepting him, pending his NEWTs marks. Severus hadn't felt so relieved in ages. Rosier clapped his back and smiled.

“Congratulations, Snape,” he said with a smile. Wilkes looked up from beside him and leaned across Rosier to see.

“Huh. Not surprising, there. But good job, Snape.”

“Thanks,” he managed in weak reply as Wilkes leaned away. Rosier chuckled.

“Bit like a kick in the bullocks without the pain, eh?” he murmured.

Severus snorted. “I suppose so. I mean, I figured there was a chance he'd take me, but...”

“Nonsense! Snape, you're a genius with potions. Everyone knows that.”

Severus managed a little, embarrassed smile as Rosier smacked his back again. He really did feel pretty good about this. All in all, life seemed to be picking up. Potter and his friends hadn't really bothered him lately, probably too busy trying to salvage their scholastic careers; he and Lily had fallen into a nearly normal friendship again; Dumbledore said he was close to mastering Occlumency and a rather fine Legilimens for as little focus as they'd put on it; and now his apprenticeship was mostly secured.

He felt good. It was a decidedly strange sensation to bear.

The rest of the month, he kept busy with Dumbledore once his homework was finished. He wanted to perfect his technique, to mask any hint of it being used. He'd learned so well how to expect Dumbledore's invasion, which really wasn't much of an invasion anymore. Indeed, he'd managed to lead Dumbledore to only where he wanted the man to see, had surprised him by being able to completely blank out his mind, though this was quickly discouraged since it would make it known he was doing it on purpose. And then he managed to lie to the man's face without any detectable variance at all. Dumbledore lowered his wand.

“Good job, my boy,” Dumbledore said finally, a soft, gentle smile on his face as his eyes twinkled. “We're done. You've leaned all I can teach you.”

Severus beamed.