Current mood:	chipper
Entry tags:	angst, complete, fanfic, lupin, mirror, sex, slash, snape, snupin

The Other Side of the Mirror 2
Title: The Other Side of the Mirror
Word Count: 62,542
Rating: NC17
Pairing: RL/SS, RL/SB, SS/LE(one sided), SS/LM
Summary: In sixth year, Remus Lupin nearly killed Severus Snape in wolf form. Miraculously, Severus escaped unharmed. But what if he hadn't?

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Chapter 5
Until All You Can Do

The last two months of school went by like a flash. Two more pleasant moons, the uneasy truce with Lupin, studying with Lily while Potter and Black were stuck in detentions... His world was actually better off than usual. Severus stayed on guard, however. He'd learned young that just because something seemed good, it would turn out horribly in the end. After all, he was about to go back home.

The exams were not quite enough to take his mind off that fact. He studied hard and didn't worry when the testing day came up. Actually, he felt more ready than ever. In the end, he was once more awarded second rank in his year, second only to the Ravenclaw that had beaten him since third year. He didn't mind. Phineas Abernathy still got lower scores in Potions than he did. With his seventh year of classes now paid for with another tuition waver, Severus felt faintly secure in his future.

And then he realized it was his last year. Severus stopped in the middle of packing up his clothes to go home. One last year at Hogwarts and then he was on his own. Slughorn had rounded him a few days ago and offered to contact a Potions Master he knew for apprenticeship, since the man himself couldn't take on an apprentice while teaching. Severus accepted the offer, knowing that Slughorn would one day expect the boon repaid. Yesterday, Slughorn had informed him that a man by the name of Damocles Belby had responded positively and wanted to meet him over the summer to see if he was all Slughorn had promised. Severus was nervous, of course, but not scared. He'd show himself properly and, with all hopes, Belby would take him. What else was he suppose to do with his life? Even his mother had excelled at nothing but potions and Gobstones.

However, even with making those plans, it hadn't quite struck him that he would soon be leaving Hogwarts for good. The castle was special to him. Even with his hatred for most of his year mates and other students, Severus felt safe here. His father wasn't there to beat him, his mother wasn't making him hide his magic from the neighborhood... He was free here. Free in a way he couldn't quite imagine feeling anywhere else.

The thought was sobering.

Maybe life under Belby's tutelage would be freeing too. The man seemed pleasant, from what Slughorn had said. Maybe...

But then Severus thought back to his housemates. Avery, Wilkes, and Rosier had a friend outside Hogwarts that they were constantly conversing with. They always seemed a mixture of chilled and elated after receiving letters and spoke in hushed voices along with Mulciber. It was the same way Severus looked when he received post from his longtime mentor Lucius Malfoy. Lucius had graduated after his second year, but the older boy had seen his skills in potions and the dark arts. He'd recognized him. Lucius gave Severus hope, even if he was a high born, arrogant ass most of the time. Severus had gotten used to that.

Lucius had written in the last letter that he wanted to meet with him over the summer. It was apparently very important and Severus had agreed, too happy to do whatever Lucius wanted of him. He admired the blond man more than anyone. Those first two years, Lucius had kept him under his wing and comforted him when the Gryffindors tormented him, even helped patch him up at the beginning of second year after his father had beaten him the night before arriving and again when he returned from Christmas vacation without mentioning it to anyone else. Lucius was his confidant. He'd even encouraged him in his adoration for Lily Evans, much as he didn't understand the choice.

Severus sighed a little, then set the last patched pair of pants down into his trunk neatly, closing it up after. Well. His plans for after graduation could be thought about later. In the meantime, he had to hurry to catch the train and there were the visits with Lucius and Belby to plan for. He dragged his drunk down, where it was loaded and left for him not to worry about until they made it to the station. Just before he could step into the carriage, a voice stopped him.

“Severus!”

He paused, blinked, then turned. Lily ran up to him, panting softly with a pleasantly flushed face that made his heart beat a little faster. She smiled and took his hand.

“I didn't want you to leave without saying good bye.”

“Lily, we live less than a mile from each other,” he reminded her, but she just laughed a little.

“I'm going to be gone most of this summer,” she said brightly. “Dad and Mum are taking Petunia and I off to Italy. Mum has a cousin there and she's going to be having a baby in the next week or so, so we're going to help her out. She's alone, you see.”

“Oh.” Severus couldn't quite quell the feeling of utter disappointment. Most times, the only high point of his summers was when he could get out and go watch her or talk with her, even if that annoying sister of hers kept getting her nose into things. Petunia hated him implicitly and he felt exactly the same.

“Oh, don't worry. I'll write you often,” Lily murmured with chair. Severus forced a weak smile. At least she'd think of him. A little, anyway.

Someone called for her. Lily gave his hand a squeeze before she ran off to join her other friends. Distantly, he saw the untidy hair of James Potter and his narrowed gave. Severus couldn't help but smirk at the other boy and watch as James' face reddened with anger. But the Black caught up to him and distracted him long enough for Severus to slip into his carriage, soon joined by Avery and Wilkes, who just babbled about Quidditch and Avery's mother's summer home.

They got to the train and it was a long, boring trip because Potter was too mad to come after him just now. But he was sure Potter would spend all summer coming up with something for the next train ride. It was too good to think the bastard would cool off or call off his claim on Lily.

The train reached King's Cross finally. Avery, Wilkes, and Rosier went off with promises to enjoy their summer and see him next year. He waved them off, got his trunk, and trudged out of their room. Halfway to the other end of the train to unload, hands seized him and dragged him into a compartment with a strangled little noise. He ended up falling back against a firm chest as a hand curled over his mouth. Severus struggled, even as he began to recognize the scent rolling off the boy.

“Hush, just wait a second,” Lupin hissed. Severus scowled and quit struggling but he wasn't happy. And he didn't like the way his body relaxed when he realized who it was that had grabbed him. As if Lupin was safe or some rot like that. They waited until most of the sound was gone outside and then Lupin finally let go of him.

“You couldn't have just cast a silencing spell?!” Severus snarled at him. Lupin had the decency to look a little embarrassed.

“I needed to talk to you.”

“What for? You're infuriating, Lupin!”

The Gryffindor sighed a little and raked a hand through his hair. “Look. Who's the one that's been a werewolf for years now?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Severus was getting rather sick of having to think about that, with all that his instincts and senses had been going haywire for the last five months.

“Would you just listen to me for a second?” Lupin sounded about as frustrated as he felt. Good. Severus crossed his arms over his chest and looked at him expectantly. If Lupin wasn't going to let him leave without hearing his say, then he wanted to get it over with. The other werewolf sighed a bit. “Okay. Look. I need you address.”

“What? Why?”

“So I can sent you letters, obviously.” Lupin dug in his pocket and drew out a bit of parchment, handing it out like it was some kind of bomb. Severus took it before he thought about it. On the parchment, written in tidy script, was an address. “Your transformation is going to be complete next moon. I wanted to make sure if you... if you needed anything, you could contact me.”

“What a disgustingly sweet sentiment.” Severus still pocketed it, though. He glanced back up to Lupin, lifting a brow. “But what could possibly change?”

Lupin looked a little uncomfortable. “....Just send word to me, okay? If anything weird happens. My parents are allergic, so no owls.”

Not that Severus owned an owl anyway. He'd never had a pet except the snakes and rabbits that frequented the back garden and they tolerated him more than liked him.

Severus narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing Lupin closely. The shorter boy fidgeted a bit under his gaze. Lupin expected something to happen at the six month mark. But what? Severus hadn't found anything disastrous in his rather thorough study of werewolves in the last few months. Something not in the books then? But what? Not that Lupin looked ready to tell him anything. Severus scowled a bit. Finally, he fished some parchment out of his trunk and quickly scrawled out his own address, practically throwing it in Lupin's face after. The Gryffindor managed to catch it easy enough and he relaxed a fraction. Severus's eyes narrowed further.

“Why do you care so much?” he asked quietly.

Lupin jumped a little and flushed and then looked more embarrassed than ever. Then he muttered something Severus couldn't quite understand.

“Lupin.”

Golden brown eyes lifted and Lupin winced. “...Because... I'm...I'm the dominant wolf. Of the pack.”

“...Pack.” Severus's voice had gone very flat. Lupin blanched at the narrow look he was giving him. “You think I'm part of your pack.”

“Yes.”

This was getting preposterous.

“Why in Hell's name would you think I'd have anything to do with your pack?!”

Lupin took a breath, steadied himself, and refused to back down. “Because you are part of it.”

Severus didn't quite realize he'd opened his trunk and pulled anything out of it until Lupin dodged the heavy book he threw at him. Lupin ducked under another and then jerked forward with speed Severus wouldn't have guessed he had. Thicker hands circled his thin wrists and Severus found himself suddenly pinned awkwardly against one seat with his hands pressed tight to the wall on either side of his head. He blinked and then stared at Lupin, who was far, far too close to be comfortable.

“Lupin-”

“You're going to listen to me for once, Snape.”

Severus went silent and stayed very still. Lupin took a moment, breathing again as he visibly tried to calm himself down.

“You're pack, Snape. Whether you want it or not, you submitted to me. I have to take care of you. There's no want or choice about it, nothing human about it, I have to. Because you submitted to me. Do you understand that much?”

Severus nodded. Lupin looked at him, quiet a few moments, then let go.

“...Write me,” Lupin said in a quiet, almost subdued tone as he refused to look at him. “If something happens.”

Severus didn't reply but he knew he would. They went their separate ways.

Chapter 6
Deal With It

Severus hated Grandfather Snape. He had hated the man since before he knew what hate was. Four years ago, Grandfather Snape suffered a stroke and lost control of the left half of his body. He'd been living with his son ever since. Grandfather Snape had a motorized wheelchair paid for by his war pension but he carried around a cane at all times, usually to smash into his grandson's face. At least, that's what Severus thought. He supposed being a muggle, his grandfather liked being armed at all times.

Before the stroke, Grandfather Snape had been just as nasty. His left leg had been half mangled in the war and he walked with a pronounced limp that he ignored or whinged about at random. He was of the opinion that his son and grandson's generations had not suffered enough and he meant to change that fact. Thus, he'd spent Severus's entire like trying to beat the boy into something of a man. Tobias was too old and too big for his father to beat anymore, but he didn't spare the man a word at every single fault, including his ugly wife and scrawny spawn.

Severus could now simply walk away from Grandfather Snape - the wheelchair couldn't gain much speed – but he never did. When Severus wasn't around, Grandfather Snape railed on Tobias and then Tobias made Severus regret it with every fiber of his being. If Tobias wasn't around either, then Grandfather Snape lit into Eileen and that was even worse. His mother never struck him, but instead would end up hiding out in the garden with him, saying nothing and just staring at him with the most wounded and betrayed look in her eyes. So, most of the time, Severus stayed when his grandfather got it into his head to rant and rave instead of sleeping like he should.

Like now.

Severus didn't dodge when the cane swept towards him and cracked across the side of his head. He didn't dodge because he knew if he did, there would be another strike after it for flinching. He also didn't cower because that would bring the same reaction. An unexpected anger flashed through him but he was able to hide it, beat it down inside him.

“You worthless, good for nothing brat!”

Severus straightened and didn't hold his face, even though it ached along his cheek bone, from his ear all the way to his nose and down to his jaw. He might be bleeding. He didn't touch it to check.

“If I'd had my say, we'd'uv drowned you like you deserved! Miserable boy.”

He was used to hearing that. Grandfather Snape's face was pale and drawn and looked thin enough to be a skeleton already. Severus often stared at him while he slept to see if he would stop breathing and die for real. He hoped it happened today.

Severus had had the gall to think he could offer to clean and buff his grandfather's medals. Grandfather Snape wore his medals at all time, across his left breast. He used to wear his uniform as well, but Eileen managed to spill a drink upon it and the stain hadn't come out, no matter what she and Severus had done. He'd been beaten severely for letting her do it. Grandfather Snape had only struck Eileen once, when Severus was three. He still remembered how enraged his father had been. Severus didn't know what Tobias did, but Grandfather Snape had never gone after her again.

He sometimes wondered why he bothered. Even after seventeen years of living with the man, Severus understood little about his father except how to anticipate his behavior, most of the time. Tobias was not a pleasant man, and Severus was rather sure Grandfather Snape was the reason for it, but he wasn't a complete demon. Whether he had to or not, he always made sure the house was paid for and in relatively good repair. He kept food on the table, kept them dressed, even took his son to the hospital when Severus was seven and caught pneumonia. However, Severus didn't think he'd ever fully accept the man. He was always waiting, hoping that one day Tobias would realize what he'd become and change. Maybe not become the loving parents Severus so often saw at King's Cross or Diagon Alley, but perhaps a bit more... He didn't know what he wanted exactly.

It wasn't but a few days after his return from school when the moon hit. Eileen had learned well under Dumbledore's tutelage and had warded the small shed in the backyard perfectly for him. They spent that afternoon clearing it out and then she unexpectedly cooked a rather nice, large meal that evening. Tobias was unhappy at the waste of resources, his hard earned pounds wasted on a food they wouldn't finish completely. Grandfather Snape, predictably, spent the whole time nitpicking every little thing about every dish. Eileen wilted and paled and ate very little. Severus, on the other hand, was ravenous. He barely managed to keep the usual level of decorum Tobias demanded of them, even though Grandfather Snape was messier than any of his young second cousins.

After the meal, Severus helped his mother clean up as his father took his grandfather to bed. There was nothing said between them; instead, Severus and Eileen listened to the sound of Tobias and Grandfather Snape arguing. They thought they heard something break, but neither was willing to investigate. Just before moon rise, Eileen led Severus out to the shed. He stepped inside and sat down on the built in shelf along the right side, looking back to the still open doorway. Eileen stared back at him, pale and ghostly in the dark half light.

“Does it hurt?” she asked softly. Her voice was barely above a whisper.

“Yes.” There was no point in lying to her.

“Everytime?”

“Everytime.”

She looked as if she were contemplating something. It almost frightened him to wonder what, with the questions she asked. After a long silence, he felt the itching under his skin.

“Lock the door,” he told her. She stared at him a moment longer before doing so. He heard her quiet voice activate the wards and preform a silencing charm, then he disrobed, stashing his clothing as high up as he could manage.

The change seemed even more painful this time. He writhed and cried as his body ripped and shifted and became something alien to him. And when it was over, he spent the night biting and clawing at himself and howling for someone who wouldn't come for him. Someone who should have come for him. He wasn't suppose to be alone, not now. But he was and it crushed him and angered him and he took it out upon his own body because there was nothing else to tear apart.

His mother was there in the morning. Tobias was off at the factory and Grandfather Snape still slept. Eileen pulled her bruised, bleeding son from the cement floor, tugging one of his bitten arms over her shoulders, and then hauled him slowly back towards the house. It was deathly quiet, except for Severus's harsh breathing and her own faint grunts of exertion. Severus was very thin and insubstantial, but so was his mother. She finally got him to his room and laid him down before she began to work carefully on his wounds. Severus could barely stay conscious. He was so tired, absolutely drained from the night. Once she'd finished, Eileen gave him a potion to drink and he fell asleep as she pulled the blankets over him.

Somehow, Eileen managed to keep Tobias and Grandfather Snape from disturbing him though the rest of the day. He slept long and hard and when he woke, he was still tired and achy. Severus dressed and went out. It was almost dark again outside. He still felt the itch of the moon under his skin, as he always did the day after, but it seemed stronger. He seemed stronger. And there was still that vicious undercurrent of anger in his heart.

Dinner was waiting when he got to the kitchen. Tobias looked up and stared at Severus, gray eyes flickering over the bandages his t-shirt didn't hide. He said nothing, however, merely motioned Severus to his seat.

“What the hell happened to you, boy?” Grandfather Snape graveled out, giving his grandson an odd look. Severus shrugged a shoulder.

“Got cornered. Village boys.”

Neither Tobias nor Eileen were looking at him. Severus began serving himself, since everyone else already had. It was another big meal. He wondered if his mother was trying to make up for something.

Grandfather Snape snorted. “Serves you right. Idiot boy. You probably goaded them anyway.”

Severus tightened his grip on his fork. He didn't dare look at his grandfather, half terrified of what he'd do if he lost control of the still throbbing, red hot anger that made his chest feel so tight. As if he were still the wolf.

“I keep telling you, Tobias. You sired weakness.”

Tobias glared at him from across the table. Severus, for once in his life, had the gall to glare right back.

“Not that I blame you. What with that ugly bitch you married.”

Severus didn't have to look at his mother to know she'd wilted again. It took everything he had not to growl aloud.

“Serves you right. Miserable boy.”

Severus watched as his father's lip curled just faintly. Tobias looked as if he were about to bite something. His knuckles were white and Severus could hear his breathing quicken, just a little. Just enough. Tobias' face was dark and grim. Grandfather Snape apparently grew bored of insults, for he said nothing after.

Dinner finished in silence, as usual. Severus and Eileen cleaned up while Tobias took Grandfather Snape to bed. They listened to the men argue, as usual, and then the house was quiet. When the dishes were finished, Severus turned to go to bed but Eileen caught his arm. He looked back at her and watched as she stiffened, her eyes widening a fraction. There was a line between her thick, drawn up brows, from her nose to the edges of her mouth, along her forehead. She wasn't pretty. Severus had never had illusions about that. He looked like her. They were ugly together.

Severus tugged his arm free when his mother continued her silence. He looked away, stood stalk still beside her, and listened to his father's heavy steps in the hallway before he shut his bedroom door a little too hard and the one picture on the wall rattled in place. Eileen let out a breath and looked at Severus once before she headed on to bed. Severus turned off the lights, checked the doors to make sure they were locked – though why anyone would ever want to come in was beyond him – and then went to bed as well.

He laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling as the night went on. He'd slept too long, or maybe it was just the moon still exerting pressure on him. He couldn't sleep. All he could think about was Grandfather Snape's voice in his ears. Maybe he was weak. Maybe he was a miserable failure. But Grandfather Snape was even worse.

Severus got up from the bed and walked soundlessly out of his bedroom and through the house. He opened his grandfather's bedroom door and stared in. The old man laid in bed, snoring faintly. His thin, useless body was sprawled over the tiny twin bed, a pillow under his bad leg and another under his head, a third laying beside the bed where it had dropped. His thick, black hair was messy on his forehead. It was longer than usual. Grandfather Snape usually insisted on keeping it cropped neatly, making Tobias waste pounds on such a useless thing. They didn't get much from his pension, just enough to take care of his wheelchair, his doctor, and his pills. He was a useless human being.

In a blink, Severus stood next to the bed. He stared down at Grandfather Snape's face, tracing the wrinkles and lines of bone under his sallow skin. When he wasn't awake, he looked so... old. Vulnerable. Breakable. Severus half knelt as he grabbed the fallen pillow and then straightened again. He held it, staring at the old, lumpy thing. He could end it. He could make this stop. Maybe if Grandfather Snape wasn't there, his father could stop being a bastard. Maybe his mother could start smiling again. Maybe he wouldn't have to hate every last bloody thing about himself.

Severus' hold on the pillow tightened as a vicious, blood thirsty, righteous anger swept through him. He almost stuffed it against his sleeping grandfather's face. He almost made the pain stop. Almost. And then he realized what he was doing, dropped the damn thing, and went back to bed.

Chapter 7
Or Die

Severus sat down to write a letter to Lupin. He didn't know exactly what to say, but he felt he needed to. He needed to share something. Maybe the rage or the loneliness or how he kept thinking smothering his grandfather was a good idea. More than usual, anyway. Or maybe about how worried he was about meeting Belby tomorrow. In the end, what he wrote was very simple.

“RL-

I hate the moon.

-SS”

Why he bothered to beg spare change enough for a stamp and envelope, he didn't know. He wasn't even sure why he felt this was so important. But, after a tense few seconds of staring, Tobias gave him what he wanted and Severus walked to the post office to mail the letter off.

The message wasn't even all that true. He didn't hate the moon. Actually, he thought it was rather pretty. When he was younger, Severus used to sit outside and stare at it while his father raged at his mother. It hadn't been comforting, but he'd never expected it to be. The truth was that Severus hated most everything else. He hated his grandfather, he hated his how is parents treated him, he hated his house, he hated the quiet...

And he was still angry. A week after the moon and that anger hadn't left him. It burned low and slow in his belly, a flame licking up his stomach here and then before he could stop it. Just the day before, he'd actually talked back to his father. Tobias had been surprised. For about a second. And then he'd struck him hard enough to see stars. Still, there was a change and Severus didn't know if he'd be able to control it.

The next morning, he got up early, showered, and dressed in his best clothes. Eileen called them Sunday best because Tobias had, at one time, been a church going man. He'd fallen out of the habit at some point after marrying his pagan witch wife, but Severus knew he still had his cross necklace and the crucifix above his bed. The button up shirt and creased trousers were black, as were the shoes he'd spent so long shining before going to sleep. They did little to make him look professional. At least the bruise on his cheek was basically nothing in face of his new werewolf healing. He stared at himself in the mirror and finally tied his hair back in as tidy a tail as he could manage and then retucked his shirt, trying to smooth out as many wrinkles as possible. This had to go well. It had to.

Once he was satisfied, he left the house, walked at a swift clip down the row of lack luster houses, ignored various barking, angry dogs... When he got out of range of any passing muggles, he stopped, took a breath, and then concentrated. He heard a faint POP in his ears of apparation and then opened his eyes. He still hated the feel of that transport and could count on one hand how many times he'd done it since passing the class in school that year. His luck that his birthday was in January.

The restaurant had a nice, open air to it. The furniture was white with accents of gold and tan and there were windows lining the walls to let in light. Severus felt more out of place than ever. Still, he persevered and narrowly searched through the light crowd. One man caught his attention because he was staring right back at him. Severus didn't need to wonder. This was Damocles Belby.

Belby was an olive skinned, wide nosed, greek man with frizzy, curly white hair and a generous beard. His face was lined with age and pockmarked, and there was a hard edge to his brown eyes. He looked serious and focused, just how Severus had imagined him. Of course, he could recognize that kind of focus from his own work.

Severus sat down and they began the interview. Belby had a no-nonsense sort of way to him. He didn't so much interview as interrogate Severus as the afternoon wore on. They only ordered tea and Belby watched him mix in milk and honey as if it would give him an insight into whether or not Severus would do. In the end, they shook hands and Belby promised to write him soon with his answer.

Severus apparated and then walked the rest of the way home. He tugged the tie from his hair, changed into plain clothes, and then flopped back onto his bed. Who knew how long Belby would need to deliberate? Severus, deep inside, was rather sure he'd be rejected. Surely, there were other young wizards to choose, ones who were better. Smarter. Just...not him.

Because depression, as usual, had reared its ugly head, Severus did the only thing he could: he started his homework. Homework was tedious, mind numbing, and oh so easy to settle into doing. He spent most of the day on his assignments, ignoring the sounds of Grandfather Snape grumbling about this or that and his mother moving about to clean or mend.

Lupin wrote back. The letter came a week after his went off. Severus was a little surprised he bothered, and even more surprised when he felt almost happy he had. He took the letter from his bewildered mother, who didn't even think to ask him who Remus Lupin was, then went to his bedroom, shut the door, and sat on his bed as he opened and read it.

“SS-

She certainly is a vindictive bint. But any particular reason why?

-RL”

It took two days for Severus to formulate a reply and longer to get another bit of change for postage. With this second letter, Tobias gave him a narrow look and asked if it was important. Without thinking, Severus lied and told him it had to do with the prospective internship for next summer. Otherwise wordless, Tobias handed over a few more pounds than Severus had actually asked for. He almost felt guilty about it, but instead just rushed to post the letter and buy more stamps and envelopes for future letters. He was rather sure Lupin intended to continue to correspondence.

Indeed, he did. Every week or so, there was a new letter and he replied as quickly as he could. They never talked about much, but the letters grew progressively longer in length, if not in depth. Severus kept his letters, stuffing them in his pillowcase on the bottom side. He didn't expect his family to pry, but he was paranoid enough to protect his privacy.

Late July, Severus left and apparated out to meet Lucius. The older man gave him one of those arrogant smiles he was known for and shook his hand formally, as if he'd never held a twelve year old Severus Snape as he sobbed over a cross word from the girl he liked.

“Sev, glad you could make it,” he said as he led Severus up into the Malfoy mansion. Severus had been there once before and it was just as intimidating now as it had been two years ago. He curled his fingers in the hem of his button up shirt, feeling so very common in the face of Lucius's obvious pure blood, nobility, upbringing, and old money. Lord Malfoy was out for the day, but Lucius's mother was there. Severus privately thought she was one of the most beautiful women he'd ever known, second only to Lily.

Lady Malfoy gave Severus a small, controlled smile after he stuttered out a weak hello, then turned to her son. “Our other guest will be arriving later this afternoon, Lucius. Do try not to be late.”

Lucius inclined his head and then she glanced to Severus, looking him up and down in a manner that made him feel even more self conscious.

“And find something more appropriate for your friend, will you, dear?” she added. Lucius smiled. Severus felt more common than dirt.

In the end, he and Lucius talked in the blond's bedroom. They got caught up on little goings on, Lucius offering to pull a few strings and secure his apprenticeship, Severus declining but offering his congratulations to Lucius for his engagement to pretty Narcissa Black, even if she had been borne from the same family as Sirius Black. Lucius informed him quite smugly that Sirius Black had just been disowned, nary a week before. Severus figured he couldn't feel bad about crowing like a fool over it. Black deserved it. Or could he even claim to be a Black anymore? How absolutely hilarious.

Lucius found a set of billowing black robes that looked rather silly on the hanger. However, he insisted that Severus tried them, for they were the only set Lucius had that hadn't yet been altered for his height. About the only thing Severus had on the other boy was height, though Lucius was quite a bit broader in the chest and shoulders.

The robes fit not like a second skin, but like an old friend. They settled over Severus' body with a welcome heaviness, the soft inner lining of silk caressing his skin almost obscenely. There were alterations needed for a good fit, but as Lucius looked over him with a critical eye, the blond smiled.

“Sev, I do believe we've found your look.”

Severus glanced at him, his cheeks faintly reddened as he fiddled a bit with the row of tiny buttons down his front and the ones at his cuffs.

“...You think?”

“I know. Trust me. If there's one thing I know best, it's how to cut a fantastic figure.”

Severus looked back at the mirror and wondered, idly, what Lily would think of him in this.

Lucius called for one of the house elves, a thin little thing who was quite a bit handier with a needle than she had any right to be, and ordered the robes fitted to Severus despite the boy's protests.

“Sev, this looks too good on you,” Lucius purred out as he rested his hands on his younger friend's shoulders. “I insist you take it. Call it a late birthday gift, or early Christmas.”

In the end, Severus really couldn't reject them. He liked the look and feel far too much and once they were tailored to his thin shoulder and thinner trunk, the robes looked even better. They covered him almost fully with a high neck, long sleeves, and floor length ending. Tiny buttons made a row down his chest with careful stitching to draw in along the sides and accent his thin frame, rather than throw it out on display. The edge of his black shirt sleeves showed under the cuffs, but Lucius slapped his hands away when he tried to fix it. Something about a 'look'. He also refused to let Severus tie back his hair.

They spent the afternoon talking, catching a late lunch, and just enjoying their company. Severus found out that there was a party planned that evening, which was why Lucius had been so very insistent that he come that day. Apparently, there were loads of people he wanted Severus to know. Lucius knew the value of networking and becoming known. He saw no fault in sharing this with Severus, nor did he sugarcoat why. Severus' skill in potions was far more than Severus himself could appreciate, apparently, but there were many, many people who could. Getting his name known would help in the long run. Privately, Severus was rather terrified that his name would become known for quite a different reason. He'd not told Lucius of his 'hairy problem' as Lily termed it, but not doing so caused a lump of guilt in his chest he couldn't quite rectify.

The party was boring. Severus trailed behind Lucius as the blond spoke with this man or flirted with this woman. Narcissa was along soon enough to kiss his cheek and murmur a few words before she went off again to gossip with a few other young girls. Severus sipped the water he'd managed to beg out of Lucius, who had tried to be insistent on the wine. The idea of being inebriated at all around these powerful pure bloods was bother enough not to give in.

Towards the end of the night, another visitor arrived but this one was different. The man was tall and broad with a playboy face and tidy black hair. He could have been considered handsome, but what really drew Severus' eye was the aura of power and confidence he exuded from every pore. He walked with the grace of the royalty and the smirk of a conquering hero. Severus noticed how nearly everyone gave this man a wide berth, but could not for the life of him recognize who it was.

At his side, Lucius stiffened suddenly.

“Severus,” he hissed under his breath. Severus jumped a little but the blond had his attention. And then the man turned his head, looked towards them, and smiled. Severus had never been so terrified in his life. He stayed very still as the man slowly walked towards them, giving another soft, cold smile here and there, and then he was right before them.

Chapter 8
But Dying Is Not Possible

Severus stared and he was rather sure his face had gone sheet white. Beside him, Lucius bowed his head in respect and gave him a pointed look to do the same, but Severus couldn't make himself move.

Lord Voldemort was not someone he had ever thought he'd meet. In school, he often caught a copy of the Daily Prophet from one of the other Slytherins and read about the anti-muggle attacks, letters of threat against the Ministry, and open lectures of Wizarding superiority over the last few years. Lord Voldemort, whoever he really was, had become the leading voice on the political front and terrorist activities.

After a moment, Severus frowned. How could a man like this possibly show his face in the open at a random party? It didn't make sense.

“Are you bluffing?” he asked. Lucius stared at him incredulously. His milky skin paled even farther, as if Severus had just signed his own death warrant, but Severus wasn't about to be cowed. “Why would Lord Voldemort show himself in public, unescorted? He's a wanted criminal. That would be utterly daft.”

He was a little surprised Lucius hadn't fainted. He didn't think the older boy was breathing.

“Lord Voldemort” only chuckled and his reddish brown eyes bore amusement. “Oh, you are charming. A healthy dose of pragmatic disbelief is quite refreshing in these times. I suppose I could just kill you to prove things, but where would the fun in that be.”

Severus blinked. Such a casual threat didn't quite scare him so much as intrigue him. Those who could throw around threats so easily were either uselessly weak, or far more powerful than he had any right to associate with. From the aura so very easily felt around the man, Severus's hypothesis leaned towards the latter. A cold knot formed in his throat, but he hid it best he could. Somehow, he knew showing weakness to any of these people, even an impostor, would be more than stupid.

“I find things are easier to swallow when I can prove them,” Severus murmured carefully. Lord Voldemort chuckled.

“Quite the scientist's mindset, but perfect for a one specializing in potions, I suppose.” He smiled again and the lump in Severus' throat grew worse. “Lucius has told me much of you. He believes there may be...use for you in my campaign. I'm inclined to agree with him.”

Oh Merlin. He was being asked to join with terrorists.

Severus knew most of his year mates had fathers involved in the dark arts, a few even boasting that their parents had joined in with the Death Eaters, as the followers of Lord Voldemort called themselves. Severus hadn't ever thought about them closely. It didn't affect his life much, except that sometimes there were students crying in other house tables after news of a murdered family member or friend. With this, he also knew what the Death Eaters did. They killed, ravaged, destroyed, persecuted...

But who was to say muggles and their allies didn't deserve it? Severus' entanglement with muggles was limited to a few. His father, grandfather, one great aunt and a few cousins... They were all petty, horrible people. Even Lily's idiot sister was horrid and her parents were nearly as cold to him. With his experience, could he really say they were wrong?

Lord Voldemort smiled. “There's no need to decide now, Severus. After all, you have school and likely training after that, correct?”

Severus nodded mutely.

“There is nothing more important than a full education... Though, I dare say that Hogwarts' curriculum is lacking here and there. Ah well. One can't have everything.”

The man didn't tarry with them long. Soon enough, he'd swept up some other poor sap and Severus watched clinically the way everyone around them deferred to him without a thought. Perhaps it really was the Lord Voldemort.

Lucius grabbed his hand and dragged him forcibly over to the drink bar. “That was beyond stupid, Sev. I can't believe you're still breathing.”

“If I'm as useful as you seem to think, I don't think I have anything to worry about.”

The blond gave a weak laugh and rested one hand along his left forearm, rubbing with uncharacteristic nervousness. Severus narrowed his eyes.

“You don't know how lucky you are that he found you funny,” Lucius murmured and sounded strangely subdued.

“I don't understand.”

“Sev, that man... That man's not normal. He's...”

“Powerful. I know. I could feel it.”

“Not just that. There's... Look, just be careful. He can help you, make you into something great and fantastic. It's worth the risk, but... Sev, you cannot ever make that man angry with you. Do you understand?”

Severus looked at him, scrutinizing the pale shade of his skin, the worry in his gray eyes, and the faintest shaking in his hands.

“That really is Lord Voldemort, isn't he?”

“Yes.”

Severus took a breath and leaned against the bar with sudden weakness. “Merlin, and I just...”

“Yes. You did. You idiot.”

“I'm going to die.”

Lucius's lips quirked into a weak smirk. “No. I think you amused him. He's not used to that kind of spirit, I suppose.”

“No. No, he wouldn't be, would he.”

They didn't stay much longer. Seconds after realizing just what he'd done, Severus was overcome with shaking. Lucius led him back to his room and the boys sat stiffly on the bed as they both trembled. However, much as Lord Voldemort terrified him, Severus couldn't help being intrigued. Perhaps Lucius was right. Perhaps the risk was worth it. Lord Voldemort had connections. His followers came from every sect of wizarding society. He could get his name known, gain fortune and fame. Once he got his potions mastery, who knew what doors these high placed friends could open for him?

He'd never have to go back to Spinner's End.

He had to think.

Once the trembling stopped, Severus changed back into his clothes and folded the new robes up carefully. Lucius walked him out of the manor to the apparition point, gave the last farewell, and then Severus went home, straight to his room.

He laid back on his bed and stared at the ceiling and thought of Lord Voldemort. The man knew about him. Maybe it was just from Lucius, but he had enoughs kill that both of them bothered to think about and remember him. That counted for something, right? Maybe he would take the offer. It wasn't as if he was opposed to what Death Eaters did. Much. Maybe a little.

Maybe a lot. He was glad Lord Voldemort didn't expect an answer yet.

Severus sighed and dropped his arm over his eyes. He kept remembering the way people moved right out of Lord Voldemort's path, how they looked at him with fear and adoration... Severus wanted that. He wanted to be important. He wanted to be noticed. He wanted...

He wanted to not be a poor, ugly, uncharismatic throw away.

The next morning, Severus got a letter from Lupin. He read it once then blinked and read it again. And then one last time, but it still didn't quite make sense. So, he read it again.

Lupin had invited him to spend the last moon of summer with him. That... didn't make sense. It wasn't like they were friends. They weren't. They were just... Pack. That sounded strangely intimate, but it was the only way he could think about them in relation to each other. So why would Lupin...?

Severus ended up accepting the invitation. His mother was relieved. The wards took a lot out of her and she didn't like having to see him so ripped up after. He didn't blame her for it.

Therefore, the morning before the full moon, Severus apparated to London with an overnight bag and met Lupin's father. Mr. Lupin had a kind face and sad, puppyish brown eyes. His blond hair was thinning on top and clipped cleanly. He wasn't very tall (Severus had several inches on him) and had a hopeful air around him that was worsened by the pleasant expression on his face. Severus wasn't quite sure what to make of him.

“And you would be Severus?” Mr. Lupin greeted with a smile, holding out his hand. Severus stared at him and then took it as if he thought the man might bite him. Mr. Lupin brightened. “It's nice to meet you. I'm glad you'll be with us for the next few days.”

Severus nodded stiffly. “Yes, sir.”

“Oh, no need for formalities! Lets get back to the farm then, shall we?” Keeping a hold on Severus's hand, Mr. Lupin side-apparated them. Severus stumbled a bit when his feet hit the ground again and then looked around.

The Lupins lived on a small subsistence farm. It was rather nice to look at, really. There were lots of trees and a little pond beside their small home. He could just see a cellar door a ways from the house, set into the ground. There were two fields just behind the house and a small barn. Severus hadn't known what he was expecting but it wasn't this.

A short woman with graying, light brown hair stepped out the front door, a dish in her hands that she was drying with a towel. She had the same pleasant look to her face as Mr. Lupin, and the same sad eyes.

“Welcome back, John. This is him, hm?” She looked Severus over but he didn't get the feeling she was judging him. It was a weird though. “Welcome to our home, Severus. I hope you enjoy the visit.”

He doubted it, but still nodded. “Yes, ma'am.”

Mrs. Lupin tittered a little. “Such a polite young man! Oh, I can't contain myself!”

Severus took an involuntary step back and just stared at her. Mr. Lupin chuckled.

“Come on, Marny, you'll scare the poor boy off. Where's Remus?”

“Oh, in his room. Just take your bag there, Severus, we've already gotten things ready for you boys. Second door to the right along the hallway.”

Severus quickly left their company after a quiet thanks. He felt completely out of his depth. Hopefully, Lupin wouldn't be as hard to handle. Severus shook his head a little and headed off for the directed door only to stop dead when it opened and Sirius Black stared back at him. Damn it.